10 Steps to Cork's Independence

27th Mar 2013

The People’s Republic of Cork 10 step guide to obtaining independence….

Step One - Unite
Merge Cork City Council and Cork County Councils. The treacherous imperialists above in Dublin have maintained the pre-Independence state in our county by insisting on maintaining the two separate councils setup by the Brits. We must unite before we can stand up to the bullies. Then we’ll be ready for action. 

Going it alone is not an option. Cork has to unite before the drive for independence.

Step Two – Show a Bit of Balls
Refuse to pay any revenue to the Dublin government from Cork. With over half a million people here in the People’s Republic, the chancers who wrecked the economy need us to keep funnelling our income tax, VAT, property taxes, water charges and underpants levy up to The Pale. Time to turn off the tap they thought would never stop flowing.

Step Three – Gas Craic
Turn off the gas from Kinsale and the oil from the refinery below in Whitegate. Occupy the Central Statistics Office in Mahon and ensure that no data is sent outside the county bounds. The Dublin government will then be operating like a blind man driving a car – one that’s about to run out of fuel.

Ireland's ONLY oil refinery at Whitegate supplies more than a third of the country's fuel for transport.

Step Four – Recall Our Ambassadors
Recall Bill O’Herlihy from RTE. He has been marshalling the cranky trio of Dubs for too long. At this stage Dunphy, Giles and Brady are just flahing the post-match commentary trying to drag out the programme until either they reach another ad break or one of them falls asleep. Bill’s impeccable chairing skills will be needed down here in Cork as we debate the intricate details of the constitution of the People’s Republic. Okey dokey.

Dublin is clearly driving Bill around the bend. Time to bring him back to run Cork state television.

Step Five - Seal the Borders
Roll out the metal fencing with those annoying rotating bits at the top that prevent people from climbing over them. CCTV will be set up at along our borders to ensure anyone trying to climb over the fence is recorded on camera and the, no doubt hilarious, footage of them clawing at the rolly yokes on top of the fences will be uploaded straight to youtube under the title of “Best Fence Climbing Fails of the Year”.

This will provide a large unexpected source of revenue and will also advertise Cork’s strict border controls – it will become much more of a privilege to be allowed to visit Cork than before.

How the border will look from the Limerick side.

Step Six - “Rebel Week”
Once the Pale government becomes aware that the Cork revolution is taking place, like all oppressive regimes, they will ban meetings of large groups of people in Cork.  Under the convenient cloak of “The Gathering” and “Rebel Week”, the Rebel County can assemble large numbers of passionate independent-minded Corkonians to take on the regime without arousing suspicion.

At all secret meetings there will be live music, loads of local stout flowing and plenty “romance in the corners”. If the agents of the state burst in, it’ll look like a knees-up and not a meeting of a secret revolutionary society - who said dashes for independence couldn’t be fun?
 
Step Seven – Dealing with Traitors
Any revolution has to concede that a small percentage of those it is trying to assist will turn its back on the popular movement and feed valuable information to the regime.  The only option for Rebel leaders is to deal brutally with informants, traitors, regime loyalists and Guinness drinkers.

A week's worth of Aslan's 'Crazy World' will help this langer to keep his mouth shut in future when he goes up to Dublin

With a threat like being locked in a room being played Aslan or Westlife songs on repeat ad infinitum whilst being forced to wear a Dublin GAA jersey we don’t envisage a large amount of defections.

Step Eight – Establish International Relations
With so many Corkonians all over the world, being formally recognised as an independent state would be one of the easiest yet crucial parts of the revolution. Such would be the charm, wit and warmth of every Cork ambassador sent to deliver news of the revolution to various governments that the annexing of the Republic of Ireland would meet no resistance. Imagine the beautiful sight of the Cork flag flying outside the United Nations building in New York!

With all that grade from the Barryroe oil what's a few hundred million on an ice palace?

Step Nine – Vanity Project
After every successful revolution the rebel leadership elects a president or prime minister who insists on defying all economic advice by pouring hundreds of milions of spondoolies into a vanity project like building an ice palace in a desert or constructing an ugly and pointless giant spike in the middle of Dublin.

For his or her popularity with the common man, Cork’s new president should pledge to do something about the incessant rain and implement what we have been demanding on Leeside for years: cloud seeding.

This would require a squadron of large cargo planes constantly traversing Cork’s borders and spraying any clouds with silver iodide to make them rain on neighbouring counties ensuring that Cork will remain dry and sunny for as long as farmers or Uachtarán Chorcaí dictates.

Oddly no political party in Ireland has ever proposed cloud seeding in one of the world's wettest countries. We'd vote for it!

Step Ten – A Murryeah Referendum
As the Dublin government will not currently permit a referendum on Corkonian independence it will be important for international legitimacy that a vote is seen to be held soon after the borders at the county bounds are sealed and ambassadors are dispatched to capitals around the world. 

The leaders of new states are usually extremely paranoid about opposition to their reign so a range of options will have to be considered to ensure the “correct result” is obtained: from bribing voters with promises of football and hurling All-Ireland glory and free unlimited stout, to stuffing ballot boxes and only putting one option on the ballot papers.

It doesn't matter who votes what. The government always wins.

Or we could always avail of the option favoured by the Dublin government: wrong referendum result? Sure, just have another vote until you get the right one!

Viva la revolution, feens.