5 Heads You're Guaranteed to See in a Cork Heatwave

3rd Jun 2016

Cork has been sizzling for over a week and we’re loving it – and not just because we’re all getting loads of drying done!

Citizens of the People’s Republic embrace a spell of warm weather like a long lost friend who has made a surprise trip home - you know she’s not back for long but you don’t want to ask when she’s going back – just go all out and live in the moment.

With temperatures approaching something like those on the surface of the planet Mercury here are our top five favourite people you’re guaranteed to see during a heatwave in Cork…

1. Topless Men
While the notion of topless men appearing all around the city and county should warm up our already overheating Leeside ladies the reality falls a little bit short of the sales pitch.

Put it this way. If an academic study was carried out to examine the correlation between the propensity of the Cork sham to stroll bare chested around town on a sunny day and the number of criminal convictions he has racked up, it would be safe to say the findings would be ‘significant’.

As would the likelihood that they have a can of cheap cider in one hand and the lead of a dangerous breed of dog in the other.

Cork’s topless men never wear shorts though. The scobe points gained for showing off one’s chest could be instantly wiped out by the cardinal sin of showing one’s bare legs. Unless it’s a pair of Celtic shorts of course. Selltick d’be daycint, bah.

2. Wans in size 24 Sundresses
Yes, it does look similar to the tent that will house up to 5,000 middle class concert goers down at the showgrounds over the next month or so but Stellas and Majellas that weigh the same as an ice-cream van aren’t afraid to join in the summer fashion show on Pana – they’re proud to show off their body shape with dresses that could cover a cruise liner down in Cobh.

They’re an unmissable part of Cork’s summer landscape. Literally.
 

Oh my God Majella, you're pure  gorgissssss!

If you’re going for it though you have to really go all out and cover yourself in shiny stuff to attract even more attention even if that means being weighed down by countless ‘goldy’ bangles and necklaces and more silver than Sonia O’Sullivan’s mantelpiece.

And for bonus points a huge half faded-out tattoo of a long deceased pet rothweiler called Lilly sprawled across the collar bone is a must or a weird spiral thing that might be a twisted flower but looks like a diagram of an electrical circuit for a food mixer motor.


3. Scalded Grandads
Last Saturday they thought they’d pop outside and read the paper on the sunbed in the garden for ten minutes. After reading another gut wrenching analysis piece trying to make sense of the omni-shambles that is consuming Cork GAA poor aul Grandad succumbs to the slow blinks and falls into a deep sun-soaked slumber.
 

You just know he's not going to be able to stay awake long enough to finish the ice cream..

When the wife arrives home from town three hours later with a parade of new outfits for the summer she discovers that her sleeping husband has turned into a roasted red pepper.

The most mortifying thing about having to present yourself in public with such an obviously raw sunburned head that could have been easily avoided is that you know everyone behind you is quietly thinking ‘you silly langer!’

4. Overheated Marathon Runners
With the world’s best marathon coming at them on Monday the city’s native running population has been hard it on the roads around Cork for the last few weeks. The heatwave has been murder for them as the temperatures on Leeside resemble something more akin to the searing deserts of Africa.
 

The Lee Fields were never so challenging

All along places like the Lower Glanmire Road, the walk in Blackrock, the Lee walkway and out around the Lee Fields, desperately red-faced marathon hopefuls can be spotted staggering and wobbling their way through the last few runs of their punishing training regimes - the pained expressions on their faces silently swearing ‘I’ll do this once and once only’.

5. Tourists in T-Shirts
Usually you feel like stopping to them to apologise for the torrential driving rain and swirling  northerly winds of the Cork ‘summer’ as they peer at soaking maps through flapping anorak hoods around Prince’s Street as they search for the English Market. At least they’ll be safe there. It’s indoors.

For the last week though you’ve been able to wink and smirk at them knowingly as you mop the sweat from your brow with your Echo as if to say ‘sure, ye probably feel right at home in these temperatures feens’ as the smell of charred quarter pounders and potato cakes wafts down the
hills from Northside barbecues to charm them better than any Fáilte Ireland advert could.

Enjoy it while it lasts Rebels – they’ll probably be kayaking to work in Bandon next week!