April Fools: Your Mam Wins D'Lotto

31st Mar 2004

April Fools: A Classic For Your Old Pair
Danny Elbow

If your old pair do the lotto each week this is the opportunity of a lifetime but you have to act quickly. It doesn't have to be on Aril Fools , in fact we recommend that you leave it until a night they least expect it. There is a significant amount of planning to be done but the most important thing here is for each piece of the joke to be implemented smoothly. Ensure you have first aid experience and a first aid box in the gaf before you try this at home.

Next Saturday night or next Wednesday night tune into Ronan Collins and as he pulls his balls out on the National Lottery. Insert a video in the video recorder and press record during the beginning of the preceding ad break. As the programme begins take a pen and paper and wait for the draw.

Carefully write down the number of each ball that gets sucked out of the magic twirling drum paying no attention to the independent observer's dull clothing and awkward demeanour. Put the piece of paper in your pocket immediately for safe keeping in case anyone lamps you. Be wide at all times.

You need to go to the shop to do the lotto and use the numbers from last week's draw. Your mam probably keeps her lotto ticket in her handbag during the week producing it when the show is just about to start. Swap your ticket with hers when she's not about.

The following lotto night while the Wrinklies aren't looking slip the video tape back in and put the video remote control up your sleeve. While the ads before the lotto are on do something to distract their attention from the T.V. Sneezing or burping loudly with your mouth open and tongue exposed should distract them enough to not notice the change over from live to T.V. to the video tape. If you're still worried they might cop on just complain about the loudness of the ads (migraine/hangover) and request that the volume is muted until the lotto comes on. Say you've got migraine. Press play on the video remote up your sleeve. Daycint!

Now everything is synchronised - they won't suspect a thing.

As soon as the lotto comes on your mam will reach for her handbag and produce your ticket with the winning numbers from last week's lotto. The usual mild rush of adrenaline perks everyone up slightly - - a casual thought about a new car, an extra holiday in Santa Ponza or having Daniel O'Donnell play live in your sitting room flashes across the mind and becomes a seriously possibility all of a sudden.

Then watch the faces as Ronan Collins announces the number on first ball.

" Wan outa wan so far! Sure that's as good as we'll get I suppose'