Atlantic Pond Ducks to Take Over at Pairc

17th Jun 2009

Ducks to Take Over at the Pairc
Danny Elbow

They're having a laugh down in Pairc Úi Chaoimh. The county board that is. We know this because there is no way even a partially normal correctly functioning human being with a modest left/right brain side balance and a modicum of cop-on could have produced the chaos outside the stadium on Saturday evening as Cork were due to take on Kerry. Getting into Pairc Úi Chaoimh is now nothing short of a Monty Python sketch.

The latest episode in how-not-to-organise-a-large-event went spectacularly well with throw-in again delayed by 15 minutes because thousands of fans were still queuing outside the stadium at 5pm. TV3 must have loved the delay - scraping the bottom of the barrel for mid-recession adverts they could show and burning up time talking about things to prevent Kerry fans from turning off the pending massacre of their team.

A few minutes after the scheduled throw-in time at Páirc Uí Chaoimh with 'ticket kiosk' caravan in the background.	Fans wait patiently in line while County Board officials and stewards malfunction and argue among themselves.

The icing on the cake was the presence of an official caravan and hi-ace outside the stadium (this is actually true, we are not making this up - see photo below) where fans were supposed to buy tickets for the uncovered stand. The queue for this went right back to the Atlantic Pond - much to the curiosity of its feline inhabitants - but the chaos didn't end there.

Having obtained a ticket from the, ahem, caravan, fans then had to traverse through the crowds trying to get into the Blackrock Terrace in order to queue up for the correct turnstiles. Meanwhile fans who were trying to work out how to get into the Blackrock end did not have to buy tickets and were obliged to pay cash only. Some turnstiles were marked '€15', some said 'Tickets', some said 'students/juvenilles' and some had nothing at all.

Straight Outta Rathkeale: the Limerick reg on the van doesnt exactly inspire confidence.	Thousands of crazy drink fuelled rioting shoppers terrorise the turnstyle gate keepers. How could they possibly cope?

To add to the confusion red faced men, mainly beyond retirement age who should be sparred such bedlam at this hour of their life, who may or may not have been GAA officials announced things to groups of 5 or 6 people at a time leading to all sorts of Chinese whispers dissipating through the crowd: It's nearly full? The game is called off? It's back on? The kick-off is delayed? It's not delayed because it's on TV? We need a ticket for the terrace? We can't move between the stands? Batter burgers work as tickets? Paul Galvin is in the middle of the field with his pants down around his ankles? And so on.

Eventually enough rumours and a PA announcement confirmed that the kick-off would be delayed fifteen minutes. And unfortunately Paul Galvin reportedly had his pants on. As did Noel O'Leary.

People sweating near the turnstiles stopped sweating. People near the back sweated a bit less. The sellers sticking their heads through the caravan window sighed with relief. Even the ducks in the Atlantic Pond looked a bit a more relaxed - which brings us neatly to our next point.

For the Munster Final against Limerick on July 5th we proposed that the Atlantic Pond ducks should be given a say in the running of the stadium. In fact give them total control because the County Board are so inept, so incredibly incompetent that a couple of ducks and the benefit of chance and randomness may actually come up with something more coherent than Saturday's bedlam.

Eventually 30,000 Rebels gained access and roared on Cork as they whipped Kerry by eight points. Several Kerry fans also attended.	Quack job: Ducky O'Leary from the Atlantic Pond will take over duties for the Munster Final clash.

And before the suggestions about fans arriving too late and with too much alcohol on board are bungled out of the Pairc Úi Chaoimh during the week let's dismiss them right now. Few, if anyone at all, had been drinking.

The sly trick to blame it on the boozers oft transmitted by the bungling incompetents is nothing but a last resort to slight the very fans who fill the county board's coffers. It fits a trend. Just like the slur issued earlier in the year against the 10,000 'shoppers' who marched in support of the hurlers. The disrespect cast at us knows no end.

We fart in your general direction.