ATMs Begin Dispensing Cheese

23rd Nov 2010

As the financial disaster in the Republic of Ireland continues to worsen and doubts are cast over the continuation of the euro, Irish bank chiefs have rolled out beleaguered country's new currency.

Earlier this month Fianna Failure Agriculture Minister Brendan Smith announced that free cheese would be handed out to deprived citizens "to contribute towards their well-being".

The apparent farce initially prompted international press coverage but this was a clever trick to alleviate poverty by the Dublin government who have now hoodwinked everyone by revealing that cheese will actually be in the new Irish currency.

The Ulster bank ATM on Winthrop Street dispenses easy singles

This morning on behalf of Cork citizens we checked several ATMs in the city and low and behold the usual on screen options have been replaced with cheesy choices while the bank links themselves are now dispensing wads of easy singles.

QUANTITATIVE CHEESING

On South Mall, where tastes are slightly fussier, one AIB cash machine was seen to be issuing grated parmesan which several apprentice solicitors happily sprinkled on their bagels.

"I'm happy with the new currency", said one langer, "we should all pull together now, ignore the past and just let it brie".
 

Most bars in the city centre like the Long Valley now accept the new currency.

The currency being reluctantly adopted by businesses around the city with several bars now exchanging pints for cheese. There have been some difficulties however as some customers only have access to blocks of cheddar. Thankfully most pubs are issuing change in the form of easy singles so cheddar users can divide their fortunes into more practical quantities.

"Easy singles are easier for our staff to deal with as they are plastic wrapped and of a consistent size. Slicing blocks of cheese for change when they are already rushed off their feet just wasn't working." said one city centre publican.

The new currency will be difficult for elderly people who already smell different to most people and may be confused by the third currency change in their lifetime.

We would ask younger PROC users to keep an eye out for our senior citizens who in these tough times deserve our unfeta'd attention.