Awkward Christmas Stop 'n' Chats

10th Dec 2012

Meeting People in Town at Christmas
It’s that daycint time of year when town is heaving with shoppers and Corkonians out to soak up the pre-Christmas craic but not every conversation flows easily. Here’s our guide to bumping into people in town when it’s a little bit awkward….

Fella You Went to School With
Some Cork people are ferociously awkward about meeting people they went to school with or haven’t seen or heard about for years. They even talk about avoiding town in case they bump into anyone that they mightn’t have much to say to. If they were a bona fides langball in school the chances are that the teenage torment that caused them to be such a tosspot has elapsed and they’ve turned into a normal well-rounded member of society.

There’s always the initial nervous ping-pong of ‘sure, how’re you anyway boy?’ back and forth until someone finally decides to chip in with something more than just ‘grand altogether boy, how’re you?’ - batting the question back over the fence.

You can duck into Penny's if you see the class bully coming.

Once the question-tennis rally is over though within minutes you can find yourself reminiscing about insane teachers and swapping funny stories of how other fellas you’ve met over the years are getting on.

What Not To Say:  Why did you throw the ball into my face deliberately instead of passing it to me at the sports day in front of my mam?

Former Work Colleague That Got Fired
Genuinely awkward because the only thing you have got in common is where you both previously worked together. If you still work here it’s even worse as you won’t want to rub salt in the wound by regaling him with stories of the most recent night out when two female colleagues unexpectedly got together.

What Not To Say:  So how manky exactly were those movies were you nabbed downloading?

The market on Grand Parade. You'll definitely bump into people you haven't seen in ages at this yoke.

Fella You Had a Facebook Fight With
The benefits of social networking are well documented but getting into an online argument with a friend-of-a-friend about public sector pay, the state of Cork hurling or whether a local band are a bunch of tuneless chancers are some of the technologies more prickly aspects.

Some people get insulted if you don’t “like” whatever drivel they’ve pasted up on their news feed but there’s something about arguing online that is different to a face-to-face bust up or tiff on the telephone. It seems to count for far less to the point where it seems like a parallel universe. Just smile, pretend it never happened and banter away ending with a sincere ‘Merry Christmas’.

What Not to Say: Why do you put so many photos of you and your cat on Facebook? 

People Who Have Way More Kids Than You Thought They Would
It’s a universal feeling throughout people of all ages when you meet somebody who has grown up more than you thought they would have. As humans and Corkonians we’re not that great at estimating time. While you might quickly agree with whoever you’ve bumped into that it must be about two or three years since you’ve seen each other – a more detailed analysis afterwards might reveal it to be three or four times that period of time. You thought their child would be about eighteen months by now but now the ‘baby’ is actually taller than you and could do with a shave.

Who would have thought sharing a yoke with an old doll down the Back Bar in Henrys would have ended up here

Meeting somebody on Patrick Street who when you last saw them were a single carefree student hanging off the rafters of the Western Star trying to impress some flahbag from Arts 3 and who now has so many children hanging off them that they could form a small battalion of child soldiers can be a shocker.

‘So what have you been up to for the last few years?’, is a bit of an obvious one that will be answered visually by the presence of marauding tots and tweens dragging their parent’s legs, arms and ears frantically while they try to converse. The only thing they can say really is ‘Well, I’ve been mainly pregnant’. And they won’t be lying.   

What Not To Say: C’mere did ye know there’s a recession on? You know contraception is legal don’tcha?

Feen Who Has Rapidly Gone Bald
Well over 70% of Cork men will experience some form of hair loss during their adult life but some fellas just experience it earlier and more rapidly. Cork hurling legend Brian Corcoran is one who wouldn’t have been known for his Samsonesque locks even in his twenties.
 

It's a bit awkward when there's something hanging in the air that neither of you are acknowldging

Although in other cultures it is respected as a sign of wisdom it is being bred into us by those with more than a passing interest in iffy herbal remedies and expensive hair transplants that it is in some way shameful to lose hair.

Suddenly coming face to face with a fella you haven’t seen in years who now looks like a Tibetan monk can be tricky. In an awkward moment where you’re searching for the next thing to say, their shiny head will be glinting at you like Roches Point lighthouse on a clear night so you have to use every brain cell in your cold skull to avoid the obvious and come up with something unrelated to their declining follicles.

What Not To Say:  I have to get a bazzer now. Know any good new barbers around town boy?

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TOP TIP FOR QUICK EXITS 

Listen, I better let you go: This is classic Irish plamás and a very common way of getting out of a conversation you’re sick of. In computer lingo this is the control+alt+delete of the Corkonian headspace allowing you to ‘force shut down’ any langer who’s holding up your Christmas present buying.

It basically means ‘Id’ rather watch page 110 on Aertel for two days continuously instead of listening to your waffle so please go away’. It’s horribly patronising, pretending that you’re actually the burden on them, but it’s there if you need it.