Back To College Conversations

31st Oct 2002

PeoplesRepublicOfCork.com presents Danny Elbow's details of some of the awkward conversations with different types of fellow students that are part and parcel of a young student's return to college.

- I know the name and the face but...
This embodies 90% of awkward college conversations.Seems to happen between girls or between a guy and a girl. You don't know exactly how you know her, you don't know where she's from and you've no idea what year she's in or course she's doing. Somehow you know her name and she knows you..an awkward but polite conversation is in order….

[walking past but slowing down to acknowledge, never stopping in case intense awkwardness causes you to do something embarrassing]

"Hi..how's it goin' how are you ?"
"Fine thanks…how are you?"

"Not to bad..how are things ?"
"Era, not too bad..and yourself ?"

"Ah sure fine…"
"Fine too…em?…how was your summer?"

"Fine thanks..how was your's ?"
"Fine..great yeah".

You lose eye contact smile politely and once out of sight raise your eyes to the heavens. This has been known in some cases to happen over 300 times per day and to be the major cause of chronic period pain in young females*


- Kerryman
Now we can't say we dislike Kerry folk in Cork, but they're a funny a funny breed. We might be footballing rivals but when it comes down to it we like to see Kerry do well if we're knocked out of the Chamionship ourselves…..kind of anyway. Their cautious and wise personalities have always been the subject of debate (we should really have a Kerryman section on the website!).
††Anyway we have been educating farmers' sons for many years (and more recently taking advantage of their daughters) and the thing that always struck me was how true it is to say that a real Kerryman will always answer you with a question. What a better place to experiment than the colleges are full to the rafters with them.
†††A good time to get this one is on Fridays as they prepare to release themselves back into the wild for the weekend, generally spotted carrying full rucksacks around on their backs all day before they are transported weshht.

"How're you getting on there Kerry fellah?"
"Eerrra, how are you yourshelf?"

"Not too bad. Were you out last night ?"
"Did I not shee you out?"

"No I don't think so, were you out though?"
"Wassh I out ish it?"

"YES! Were you out last night, simple yes/no answer, I'm just makin' conversation?!"
"Can I borrow your penshil the lead is broken on my own one?"

No wonder half of Garda ranks are Kerrymen!*


- Pretentious Alcoholic
Has the ultimate goal of being a Rag Week Organiser, every college's seal of office of wackiness. Despite claiming total memory lapse and near death hangover they can always tell you exactly how many pints they consumed and in the most energetic and colourful way possible…Usually takes place at 9am lecture, bottle of Rover Rock, lucozade and packet of airwaves chewing gum clearly on display.
†††Arriving at a lecture late you have no choice but to sit at the back and decide to exchange formalities…suspect but head wrecking details of varying acts of craziness ensue:

"Hi how's the form ?"
"Ahhh….well….phew!….em?…arite I suppose…MASSSSSIVE hangover like"

"Oh you were out last night then ?"
"Was I out ?!!? OH MY G-O-D like. I was so locked! We started in The Star yesterday after the last lecture and I had about four pints there, then puked on the way up to Cissy Youngs and had six pints there and treble vodka and red bull in aftershock on the way out the door. Took four bar stools with me and fucked them in the river on the way to Nancy Spains and I just met the barman there and he told me I drank half a keg of Miller on my own. Down to FX after that..(it's such a shit club I don't know why I go there like) and I had two Smirnoff Ices, a bacardi breezer and six pints of methanol and cyanide….oh my GOD I'm SUCH AN ALCHOHOLIC !!!!"

The benefits of a quick People's Elbow to the face are always on your mind.


- Genuine Alcoholic (GCA)
In stark physical contrast to the pretentious alcoholic this fellah is a pale, miserable and disorientated looking stout male in late twenties with a scraggy brown beard who will never do summer exams "safe" in the knowledge that they can be attempted in August. Never carries stationery. Sleeps, dribbles or sweats (or all three) himself any lectures he might find himself at. Doesn't check until late April what subjects on the course he is registered for and subsequently discovers he has been attending the wrong lectures. Generally spends 6-8 years attempting to get through a degree course. Doesn't really know anyone too well in the class….

Mid lecture, taps you on the back and wispers….

"Excuse me, do you have the results for the experiment from last week ?"
You: "What experiment ?"

"The one we did last Friday morning in the labs?"
"What labs ? Why would we be doing labs last Friday?"

"Because…we did…it's on the course isn't it ?"
" NO it's not….you don't need to do labs in law!"

"law ???"…..

Slowly rises and exits lecture.


- The Person you Snogged Last Night
Okay it's a clich'