Beach Reviews: Inchydoney

10th Aug 2006

Beach reviews: Inchydoney

Its natural for any Corkonian to assume that his county has the finest beaches on this island. Blue flags are a great indication of the quality of a beach but there's far more to a good Cork beach than the criteria set down by some know-it-alls in Denmark. You need to know if you'll have space to puck a sliothar around, if swarms of flies will drive you mental, where you can get a decent 99 and whether you'll spend an hour in traffic just trying to get there. We've been reviewing some of Cork's best coastal spots to balm out and here's the first:

Inchydoney
Located a few miles from Clonakilty this is arguably Cork's finest blue flag beach.

Beautiful long stretches of sandy strand help dilute the large crowds and being over an hour's drive from the city the scobe count is pleasantly low.  In other words you'll get little in the way of loud obnoxious chain smoking fat women roaring at each other over blaring 2Unlimited tapes on a ghetto blaster whose children are most definitely about to be taken into the care of the HSE.

Being in west Cork the place does attract some annoying but harmless pricks from Dublin rugby schools who love throwing rugby balls around and shouting to each other about how locked they're going to get tonoight loike.

Should the ball come anywhere near you stand up immediately with your chest pushed out and shout something in your best Cork accent (think Roy Keane squaring up to Alan Shearer). They won't understand it because you don't have a rugby kicking tee stuffed up your hole and they'll flee immediately for fear you might have a criminal record.

At low tide the water can be almost 200 metres from the balming out areas which gives massive space for hurling and 5 asides but also means weary parents must follow their smallies to the shore rather than observe them from where they set up camp. This of course is daycint if you're a smallie cos you can splash your mam and run back into the water where she can't get you.

Parking and narrow approach roads are Inchydoney's downsides. There's nothing worse than sitting in your car with sweat running down your back, legs, chest, balls, arse and no-man's land area while nauseous petrol fumes from giant SUVs drift in the open windows while you queue for a space at the beach. Take the first space you get and be prepared to walk.

On the flirty front the Inchadoney Spa and Posh Water Features Hotel attracts a very respectable clientele including young twenty somethings of both sexes - many of whom hang out on the beach for a few hours soaking up the green house gasses. You can get tanked up in the hotel beforehand and then descend on the beach with a pre-prepared semi and a rock and roll attitude.

Swimming is great in Inchadoney and there's lifeguards too so if you've had a few gats and a toke before you swish around the shore you'll probably survive. The downside with Inchydoney is that you have to walk about a mile and half out to sea to get your testy satchel wet such is the gentle slope into the sea. Safe of course but a dose when you're trying to cope with the cold water slowly draining your enthusiasm.

There is a small car park with some spaces but during hot summer spells you'd want to be there at 8am to get one.

Sand: 8/10
Swimming: 7/10
Parking: 2/10
Talent: 7.5/10
Puck around space: 8/10
Scobe factor: pleasantly low
Flies: none
99 Cones: N/A

Top tip: Don't leave the beach at peak times or you'll get stuck in traffic in Clon. Total balls.