Blackrock Jogging Scene

22nd May 2013

In the last decade jogging has become hugely popular in the city and county. It’s not just those who are determined to break the four hour mark in the Cork marathon or improving their gait for the next triathlon in Kinsale who are out pounding the pavements but also those who are simply trying to keep the beer belly under control and not turn into someone who looks like they are, ironically, the current or previous Ministers for Health.

A fella out jogging in Mallow, Mayfield or Bishopstown is likely to be wearing a team jersey, a pair of GAA or beach shorts and a half decent set of runners bought in 2007. Down in the more affluent climes of Blackrock village however it’s a different story where locals lob wads of cash at getting the most expensive fanciest gimmick-laden gear they can get their hands on to reduce the size of their privileged big bums.

Arses are so loved in Blackrock that some people name their gafs after them (the handle is to help drunks stay upright while they slash against the gate)

Around Blackrock Village is a daycint place to walk or run so if you fancy visiting the area for some get-fit action we’ve compiled a list of things that are now officially required to be allowed to jog within one mile of Blackrock village:

RUNNERS
Gleaming white trainers with go faster stripes that flaunt special gels to cushion the lickle sensitive feet of the Blackrockonian are essential for local credibility. Running shoes that could be worn in another context – like a quiet midweek tipple in the local with a pair of jeans and a hoodie – are a definite no-no:  image is everything.  Once the jog is over the footwear must be stored in a glass vacuum chamber next to the pantry by butler’s bedroom.

A bag of saws at a disco? Riveting wank-art in Blackrock Village.

SOCKS
Wear bright white socks freshly ironed by your Eastern European housemaid just before you leave your upmarket residence.  Black socks or anything un-sporty look amateur and cheap . White running socks show up the little spatters of mud and muck collected as you trot around Cork’s answer to Dublin 4 making you feel like you’ve been out ‘mixing it’ in the grime.   

GADGETS
At least one third of your monthly salary should be spent on running gadgets. The days of the simple stopwatch are well behind Blackrock joggers. There’s an electronic monitor or app for almost everything now giving you a silly amount of data as you trot around Blackrock.

Warming up in Blackrock Castle

This is a great excuse to go to the local coffee shop with your Macbook Pro to download an array confusing graphs and pie charts that your neighbours will hopefully spot before you finish uploading them to Facebook to show off to your friend(s). 

Most joggers in Blackrock with headphones in their ears look like they might be listening to music. In fact, most of them are being beamed live updates from space about their performance – some Blackrock joggers are said to have live links to astronauts in the International Space Station who beam motivating messages to them as they run: ‘this might be tough but just think of that latté you’ll be having later on in the Natural Food Bakery’.

BOTTLE BELT
Although normally reserved for Ironman competitions and 19^th century artic explorers, bottle belts have exploded in popularity on the Blackrock jogging routes of late.

In Blackrock they gat while they jog

This enables the well-to-do south side athlete to carry small plastic bottles of liquid to continually hydrate themselves with organic carrot juice, cappuccino flavoured protein shakes or whatever the latest fad is in online jogging forums.

TIGHTS
As well as expensive running shorts you cannot go jogging in Blackrock without the obligatory under-short leggings – short enough that you don’t melt with the heat but long enough for the expensive brand logo to peak out from under your shorts so everyone can see how serious you about this whole fitness caper.

Blackrock has been known to have a high number of middle-aged men who enjoy dressing in woman’s clothing so the popularity of these tights is not that surprising.

The Sunday Market's nice...when it's not raining

TOPS
No football, hurling or soccer jerseys here thank you! You’ll always see a Blackrock jogger half a mile away with their fluorescent high-vis running tops - it pays to be seen by those driving SUVs they might stop and invite you to a champagne party for the local “joggertati”.

These expensive t-shirts, most likely made by impoverished child slaves in a faraway place, have all sorts of mad gimmicks like special air holes to cool the beer belly and magic fibres designed to move sweat away from the armpits and into the fabric. Thus by the time you get back home to your electric gates it smells worse than low tide at the Marina.

JOGGING PRAMS
Your initial reaction to seeing a parent pushing a buggy or pram at high speed is to assume they are running away from danger or trying to catch a bus.

Cruisin' with me mam: He'll definitely grow up to be a boy racer

Around Blackrock village at weekends you can occasionally spot the latest way to fling money at one’s desire to be fit: jogging prams. These are giant buggies that parents can jog behind and push at high speed without the fear of it toppling over - thus maximising time with junior who they haven’t seen all week because…well, being a CEO of a big company is like that.