Bringing the Olympics To Cork

23rd Aug 2004

You might laugh but we at PeoplesRepublicOfCork.com are taking very seriously the challenge to bring the 2016 Olympics to Leeside. You might guffaw at the idea that Cork would be capable of holding such an enormous event with so many different sporting disciplines to be accommodated but all that's needed is a little bit of research and we reckon we've got it in the bag.

Pairc Ui Rinn: ready as it will ever be

The number one factor we must consider is raising the grade to buy off the relevant people. We don't have to worry about a stadium or anything like that for a while. If any of you watched the recent Panorama programme on BBC it seems all we need is the ability to ensure that Olympic Council members follow through on their promises after we have bribed them sufficiently and we're away with it. No better boys than those from the home of the Blarney Stone to talk the council members into it too.

Everyone has their eye on Capital of Culture 2005 at the moment. To be fair we won't under estimate the work that has been done and that needs to be done at Civic House before the celebrations begin. But holding a two week long Olympic event is just a drop in the ocean compared to hosting the Capital of Culture. We are in no doubt that Cork 2005 will be the best one yet so the chances of us pulling off the Olympics are about 2/1 once the bookies read our application.

Trolley racing: an event for the people

Going on the attendances at some of the events in Athens at the moment it seems that building a completely unnecessarily large stadium is a waste of time and money. The Greeks have shown themselves to be pretty dull so far, seemingly more interested in their athlete's minor motorbike accidents than how they perform at the Games with most events having only a light sprinkling of spectators. So what's the point in building massive venues if there's nobody to fill them?!

Between Pairc ⁄i Chaoimh, Neptune, Pairc ⁄i Rinn, De Cross, the Mardyke and the CYMS Hall on Castle St. there would be more than enough space to get heads in the door to make a real lively atmosphere.

Perfect location on Castle St. for the indoor sports.

Reality TV could definitely show its commercial head on Cork's application and would lead to greater transparency at the games. PRC proposes that every house in the Olympic village should have cameras installed that every country can watch and get to know their own athletes.

This will be essential in keeping doping to a minimum - viewers who see athletes sprinkling EPO on their curry chips at the dinner table can send a text to the show which will appear at the bottom of the screen as the athlete shovels the dope into their gob Unaware that a few billion have sussed him out.

Rinn has lights and all like

Apparently the cost of drug testing athletes is quite prohibitive and leads to some athletes escaping detection. Some sports for Cork 2016 will require much cheaper drug testing. One sport on that will certainly be on the cards to provide this for Cork is the city centre phenomenon of trolley racing.

The excitement of trolley racing can only be experienced after 2am and contestants must be full of gat before they are allowed to compete. This will keep TV audiences watching 24 hours a day which will greatly increase advertising revenue for broadcasters.

Winning trolley teams will have their breath smelt immediately after the race and disqualified if they are not sufficiently stinking of alcohol. Trolley racing is similar to tobogganing but with a lot more skill and athleticism required - the overall winner will be decided from a series of three races.

The first race will be a time trial scenario for qualification to the second two. This will take place in one of the multi story car parks in town. Competitors must get from the top floor to the barrier at ground level as quickly as possible. Competitors who fail have to pay the full daily rate to get out of the Car Park.

The Mardyke where we sported and played. The words of the prophet undestated the magnitude of what would take place neath each green leafy shade.

The second stage will be a free fall from Patricks' Hill to Grand Parade and the final stage will be a grueling off-road stage through the pot holed causeway of Grattan St.

The Olympic flame will be one of the most interesting sections in Cork's application to host the Olympics. We propose that the Olympics be brought back to late June so that the opening ceremony in Pairc Ui Rinn could coincide with Bonna night. A scobe from each suburb could light a torch from his area's bonna and be brought in one of his biys sooped up wagons to the stadium.

They would all gather about 20 feet back from the main giant torch (which will be unlit) with their smaller torches. Each of them will take an aerosol can from his pocket and just as the band begins to play De Ball & Chain they will light the torch flame thrower style. The giant flame would then rise high above the main stand and chip vans gathered outside the ground for everyone on the Northside to see.

This would encapsulate one significant aspect of Cork culture and broadcast it to billions of people all over the world.

If we could also ensure that hurling becomes an Olympics sport we would be guaranteed medals straight away of course but if you have ideas for Cork's application to host the Olympics then please email them to us. Together we will bring the Olympics to The People's Republic and have gloating rights on the Dubs for generations to come.