Buenos Aires Intelligence Report: Part III

3rd Sep 2008

La República Popular de Cork - Intelligence Report from Buenos Aires Part III
Comrade Uinsinn MacCearat

While it may not be in quite the same league as Cork, Buenos Aires does at least share the honour of being a real capital city, and has much to offer Rebels in search of adventure, fine dining, culture and even romance.

We've had a lot of questions coming in by email for our man in BA, Comrade Uinsinn MacCearat. He answers as many as he could between slash breaks as his bladder will allow:

Here bah, myself and a few of the biys are thinking of headin' out to that place you're in cos it sounds daycint. Got laid off there last week so will I need a loada grade or what?
Keeffa, Glanmire

MacCearat says: Well, like, you know yourself like, the day will come when we'll have our own invincible currency in the Republic, but in the meantime you'll get great value for your Eurons against the Argentine peso, about 4.50 pesos to 1 euro at the moment. A massive barbecued bife de lomo (translation: fillet steak) with chips, salad, Mendoza wine, dessert and coffee is about 70 pesos, which is only 15 euro. And the steak is unreeeeal.

Uno grade

Story MacCearat. Straight to the point kid - how will a Beamish knock me?
Neil Downe, c/o Friars Walk Tavern

MacCearat says: Bad news. No Beamish here at all, I've searched high and low. My heart skipped a beat when I lamped one gaff called the Druid Inn with a Beamish sign above the door, but they stopped selling it after the economy went mental here in 2000. The only stout is that rank muck they make in Dublin, and it's the same price here as it is in Cork. So, a rip-off wherever you are. Here, admin feen you'd never send over a few crates of Beamish in the diplomatic bag, would ya?

Yet another reason to steer clear of offensively named Irish bars in BA.

Just wanna know what the weather's up ta in Argentina? Sick to me ball crack of rain, rain and more rain.
Fin Harrington, Blarney St.

MacCearat says: It's winter now biy, but not as you know it, like. It's only rained 4 times in the last 3 months. You'd hate to be running an umbrella factory over here, I tell ya, you'd be in the poor house. Not scorchio, like, but grand for gatching around town lamping auld dolls.

What the flah count? Is it true that Argentine women are as beautiful as they say?
Eric Tyle, Hardwick St.

Magali Romitelli: wants your Cork. Wouldnt be out of her depth in the Classic on a Saturday.

MacCearat says: Beautiful? It's insane, biy. Walk down Florida street any day and you'll need a neck brace by the time you get to Plaza San Martin. AVISO, CURVAS PELIGROSAS! (translation: warning, dangerous curves ahead). Sitting outside Scoozi's, eyes glued to the side door of Cash's is bad enough, but Buenos Aires is infested with flahs!.

The posh ones around Puerto Madero and Recoleta are a bit septic, like, but most of them are sound out, up for a laugh, like. Be wide, though. If a biore walks up to you in a bar and starts giving you the chat, she may be in the 'full body massage' business. As in…well you know yourself, like. She'll be expecting more economic reward than a breast in a bun and a few smokes back in the gaff, like.

What's the story with dancing? What's that hawky tango thing about - do I have to do it when Im there to get a score or what like?
Toby Noonan, Assumption Road

Not quite Roco style but worth a go if you're over there.

MacCearat says: Well, like, there's tango singing and tango dancing. The songs are fierce passionate, but the lyrics can be a bit of a downer, like. Here's a rough translation of the most famous tango, Por una cabeza by Carlos Gardel, the one in that film, what's it called… Scent of a Woman,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBHhSVJ_S6A&feature=related
'I met this savage auld doll, and she was sound, and a laugh, and we were jagging, and I thought we'd be married in the North Cathedral, and buried together out in St. Finbarr's not far from the martyrs.

But at the last minute she game me the Big Fifty, and broke my heart, and now I'm lying locked outside Havana's and it's lashing raining, and my coat's inside in the cloakroom and the bouncers won't let me get it.

Summer in Cork and winter in Buenos Aires

But in spite of it all, I'll be grand in the morning, and if another biore comes my way I'll ask her if she'd maybe like to come and feed the swans out at the Lough next Sunday, cos I'm all about the love at the end of the day, like'.

The dancing takes place in these gaffs called milongas, which are a bit like GAA halls, and it's fairly erotic stuff, in fairness now. The biys wear pinstriped suits, and the girls are togged out in dresses with slits up to their thighs, to allow 'freedom of movement', fishnet tights and high heels.

Great to watch from the sideline, but if you want to dance, you need to know some complicated steps, or you'll end up sending some daughter of the Pampas off to A & E. It's not like dancing to The Hucklebuck at a wedding after ten brandy & gingers, with the elbows and the knees going ninety, tie around the head, like…

C'mere, I have to leg it there. I'm starving, I could eat a Poor Claire's arse through the convent gates. Over and out.