Cead Míle Fáilte Roimh an IMF

17th Nov 2010

CEAD MÍLE FÁILTE ROIMH AN IMF*

Corkonians should be out waving flags and sticking up welcome banners to prepare for the bailout boys' imminent arrival.

As if the embarrassing football defeat in Croke Park in August wasn't enough evidence of The Pale's outright failure there is no arguing with this one. Dublin's leadership of the Republic of Ireland has failed. Case closed.

In fact there is evidence to suggest online that the term "Dublin" could soon become synonymous with failure by entering the English language as a word that describes a humiliating defeat: They completely dublined the economy. He was devastated when he dublined his driving test. He dublined himself on an aeroplane.

The banks are sufficiently capitalised. We do not need a bailout. Green shoots. Mandate from the people.

If Anglo Irish Bank had been based in Cork do you think those in charge would have got so carried away? They'd be given a clip around the ear if there was talk of commuting by helicopter, overnight junkets to Monaco and fancy restaurants with bottles of champagne that cost the price of a couple of ghost estates. They'd be shamed into sense down here.

THE FAIL TRAIN
When Fianna Fail leader Brian Cowen speaks in the Dáil he rambles in meaningless clichés, the sound of which is about as reassuring as dog barking at a bike puncture in the hope that the problem will just go away.

We're focussed on the issues. We're working on the issues that require focus. We're dealing with those issues that require most focus to bring confidence. Focus is an issue we are confident of addressing.

God love us.

"Comical Leni" as the Irish Finance Minister is now being known on the internet, has become an international laughing stock. The name derives from the Iraqi Minister for Information nicked named 'Comical Ali' whose hilarious testimonies during the 2003 war that American troops were committing mass suicide in the face of fierce Iraqi resistance contrasted with images of US tanks cruising around Baghdad streets moments earlier.

Now Leni, who topped the poll in the Dublin South constituency in 2007, thinks Ireland is saving Europe by accepting a bailout. Just like the way impoverished familes accept donations from St. Vincent de Paul. Without them the charity wouldn't survive. Makes sense, right? If you're a member of Fianna Fáil it does.

The dominant government party have spent the last two years furiously spinning the "we'll be grand" propaganda and their delusions have reached a stomach churning state of dizziness:

The soft landing. The cheapest bank bailout in history. The €3 billion "adjustment". The green shoots. The banks are well captialised. The recession is technically over. The banks will start lending again. The four year plan. Vote Lisbon for jobs. A lot done more to do.

Last weekend there was allegedly no contacts with Europe about a bailout. A few days later we learned that there had been. They said they'd publish a four year plan. Now they might not. Perhaps they've run out of ink as well as money in the Department of Finance.

Now the spin is that we are saving Europe by accepting a bailout. It's actually impressive in its sheer delusional brazenness. Another u-turn on another massive economic issue. And they wonder why the markets are jittery!

In Leni's world the market forces are committing suicide at the Red Cow Roundabout while IMF officials are unpacking their belongings and placing photos of their families on desks at Merrion Street.

At this stage if you asked someone from Fianna Fáil why they were wearing a hat they'd argue that it was no such thing and just an extension of their head.

Some Corkonians fear the loss of sovereignty to a foreign power that might accompany a bailout but for Rebels would Brussels genuinely be more foreign a capital than Dublin?

The Belgian capital even has a few decent hurling and football teams where both codes are given equal status - unlike the Pale - and many Europeans speak more comprehensible English than the Dubs - just listen to Brian Lenihan.

100,000 WELCOMES
We should extend a hundred thousand welcomes to those who will rescue us from the wretched clutch of this government. We'd better start making those banners and the cups of tea. Although at this stage the Department of Finance is so broke that we may even have to borrow those welcomes from another friendly country and pay them back in a few decades.

The mess has got so bad up in Dublin that a bailout might actually be better in the long run as a visit from the IMF may force common sense on the political establishment and the civil service. As the island's primary source of common sense that's good news for Cork.

* We apologise to hardcore Gaelgóirí if this should be "an t-IMF"