Choke Tackle Mania

4th Oct 2011

The success of Corkman Deccie Kidney's choke tackle at the Rugby World Cup could be added to the constitution as a right. We look at some of the implications...

The Shopping Bag Turnover
If you see somebody emerge from some clothes shop in town with a hilariously overpriced piece of clothing possibly produced by tiny malnourished slave children in Bangladesh tethered to high voltage electrodes then you can take possession of that poncy garment as long as you prevent them from releasing it when you choke tackle them. Call the twin bulb if you like - the boys in blue will remove possession from the person who ‘fails to release’.

Brown Thomas:  in pairs feens be lampin' ready to choke tackle

Even if that fails it is likely the person who has spent silly money on silly things will be penalised for going “over the top” and you’ll be there to reap the reward. Dems the (new) rules!

Forward Passes
Echo boys must give up possession of the stack of Cork’s evening paper under their arms if you and a friend can surround them and press your bodies uncomfortably close to theirs. Bear in mind that Echo boys have bigger than average biceps though from carrying heavy loads of papers and whipping them in through car windows quicker than you can say Evening Echo!

At your own risk

Recently punters have been seen standing slightly behind Echo boys while paying for their paper. This is a new fear of receiving what might be deemed a forward pass the penalty for which is having to read a national newspaper fully of boring tripe about the M50, Fair City “stars” and Philly McMahon.

Off Your Feet (and Head)
Sorry boy the bar’s closed! The worst words anyone can hear on a Saturday night aside from ‘Lennox are out of chips’. Just when you thought you had timed getting your last round in to perfection, you have to stand there empty-handed with the terrible task of returning to the table to inform your battalion that you’re guilty of being a ‘lazy runner’.

Her money. Your pints.

However, under the new choke tackle legislation, in a busy bar successfully performing this technique on a man or woman holding several drinks will net you all those drinks as long as none of them are spilt on the ground and the adjudicating bar staff are happy that you ‘stayed on your feet’ during the ensuing ruck.

Chuggers in the Sin Bin
The next time you get a fake smile and a ludicrously over the top greeting from a waving twenty-something year old chugger in a florescent jacket you and a friend are now entitled to commit that individual into slavery for 10 minutes (with you as the master) should you choke the chugger.

This street soliciting sin bin is ideal for people who need some heavy duty DIY done around the gaf like freeing up blocked sewers and tarmac-ing the driveway although you will need to have a very high tackle count to keep them there for the day.

The fella in the middle had one of the last bottles of real tanora

Even if you manage to tackle a single chugger just once you’ll at least stop them annoying people for 10 minutes. This also is particularly satisfying when performed on a chugger from the southern hemisphere.

Getting Mortgage Relief

If the bank manager is giving you and ‘herself’ a hard time in the dreary confines of his office about rising mortgage repayments then a tag team effort from you and the ball ‘n’ chain is the only solution.

PRICK! Go directly over the desk to choke tackle your bank manager. Do not come in from the side of the ruck as this will result in a further financial penalty.

Although the easy route might seem to be bolting around the bank manager’s table this would be classified as “coming in from the side”.  Therefore under this complicated rugby rule to tackle your bank manager legally you will both have to go “through the gate” which means climbing over the bank manager’s table to get at him.

Aussie Sheila Cooper gets choked

Most of them are feeble dweebs so just wrap him up tightly until he says “thanks for the bailout, 50 quid a week’ll be grand fella”. Then release him and enjoy reduced mortgage payments.

NB: If your bank manager is female we strongly advise letting your old doll do the work alone lest you be accused of having your “hands in the ruck” illegally.