Christmas Presents for Corkonians

14th Dec 2007

Christmas Presents for Corkonians
Danny Elbow

It's time to put pen to paper and put some pressure on the man in Cork colours to deliver something extra special this year. We've come up with a list that will keep Santy on his toes and if you've got a friend who's life revolves around the Rebel County and you've got a burning desire to avoid the mundane boxes of USA assorted biscuits, check out our Christmas prezzie suggestions…

Lough Mahon from the air

Helicopter ride over Cork
Starting at the mouth of the harbour the chopper will whisk your friend and a guest (preferably you of course) on a unique journey up the River Lee. Joined by none other than top crooner Billa Connell in the co-pilot seat, he will perform his melodious and slightly piercing version of "De Banks" as you admire the beautiful scenery below whilst wiping tears of joy from your eyes.

Touching down on the hilltop at Gouganbarra you will be treated to a picnic of the best organic Cork produce and a tasty bottle of stout - aptly chilled by the source of the Lee itself.

Private Audience of I Keano
If it's not on in Dublin it seems to be perpetually sold out in Cork. Why wait for it to come back to the Rebel County again when you can arrange a private audience for someone special in their gaf?

He was sent home

Dipping well into the five figure cost range, finance could be arranged with the production company if you're "wages didn't come through this month" excuse falls short. Being a private performance you may also like to specify certain script changes to ensure your volatile Roy Keane worshipping friend isn't offended. Mentions of Sunderland's league table position should be kept to a minimum.

Buy a Goat for a Kerry Family
It's now cool to buy charitable presents for people instead of worthless junk like CD racks, George Foreman grills and foot spas. Why not channel your hard earned cash into more worthwhile gifts like helping to build an English language school in Waterford or sending Kerrymen shoes or a goat?

A goat can make a huge difference to a Kerry family - the four legged mountain runners can often make a better attempt at communicating with outsiders, driving vehicles and hurling than the families themselves.

If you decide to send a Kerry family something to keep their feet warm PROC now provides a service that can even send you back a picture of the recipients with the donated pair of shoes on. If choosing this option we urge you to include clear instructions (via picture) as Kerrymen tend to mistake them for hats.

Finbarr the Goat helping a Kerry family to fish

A weekend away with the FAI Cup
Why not treat a friend to a weekend away with somebody he really adores? A few phone calls to the right people and you could land the recently coveted FAI Cup for your buddy to take away for the weekend. Maybe he's sick of forking out cash to bring the old doll on holidays for little thanks so this is the perfect solution and technically doesn't count as adultery.

The cup doesn't nag, it doesn't drink much (in fact you can actually drink from it) and best of all everyone will admire it without your friend feeling a jot of jealousy!

Make sure he has a suitable story ready when the cleaning lady bursts in to find him fast asleep but cuddling into the shiny metal cauldron affectionately to his chest…

One Way Airline Ticket to Cork from Dublin
The best thing to come out of Dublin was the road to Cork and many's the great Sunday evenings we had travelling the N8 with Liam McCarthy or Sam Maguire behind us. Other escape routes include Irish Rail's often unpredictable service, barriers to which include random unofficial strikes over coffee breaks and life threatening leaves on the track.

Worth the risk

We've all been involved in white knuckle struggles to break free of the Irish Free State's capital at least once in our lives but save some sympathy for those Corkonians who have to bear the burden every week on leg grinding bus seats or in freezing train carriages.

But, the fastest way out of that northern den of iniquity is by air so why not buy a friend or a loved one a one-way plane ticket back to the People's Republic?

Within fifty minutes they will be repatriated and forever grateful. What's more is that the proximity of Cork airport to the city centre means they can be gulping down pints of black soup in a cosy city centre ale house before those travelling by road have even reached the chaos in Abbeyleix.

Imagine waking up Christmas morning to find Ógie under your tree doing his stretches. Brilliant!

One-on-one Hurling session with Donal Óg Cusack
To hell with publicity crazy reality TV stars, radio personalities and "after dinner speakers". Any Corkman worth his salt will have a sufficient dose of cynicism in his system to be able to differentiate between life's fakers and makers.

To be allowed to stand in the presence of a Cork icon like goalkeeping supremo Donal Óg Cusack would be enough to make most of us hurling fans do a little wee in our pants. Speaking to such a star would produce no more than a few malformed words and embarrassed jittery half finished sentences.

Having an actual puck-around with a Corkonian as daycint as Donal Óg Cusack might cause outright heart failure so if you have the power (or importantly the mobile numbers) to organise such a Christmas present for your hurling mad friend you should break the news to him very carefully - preferably whilst he is in a seated position .