Cloud of Hash Causes Northside Chaos

19th Apr 2010

Cloud of Hash Causes Havoc

A cloud of hash is causing havoc in the higher altitude areas of Cork City.

The source of the cloud has yet to be clarified but experts in Faranree and Guarranbraher believe it is unmistakably Jamaican in origin. A number of specialists in the Mayfield area have run tests by inhaling deeply for an hour outside their homes. The scent was described by one source as "more brown than green".

The Jamaican Embassy on Shandon Street was unable to clarify whether the Caribbean island was responsible for the cloud but regretted any disruption that the cloud of 'ash may cause Corkonians.

New lights on the watertower in Knocka: the green glow is not believed to be related to the Jamaican cloud.

Training at Brian Dillons, the highest GAA club in the world, has been cancelled indefinitely after several players were struck by bouts of uncontrollable giddiness.

Concern has been raised that Apple computer employees may be affected by the hash cloud after the Apple iStore suddenly made many reggae artists available for free download.

All Macbooks are being personally checked by senior management for missing hash keys and Bob Marley screensavers.

Two hash clouds skanking over Knocknaheeny/Hollyhill church last Sunday afternoon that appear to mimic Bob Marley's head

The city's water supply, much of which comes from the 500 billion gallon water tower just a few yards from Apple's Cork operation which overlooks the entire city is also under investigation as fears that liquid gear may have entered the Northside's water system grow.

Anyone experiencing unusual levels of calm have been asked to remain indoors and consume as much chocolate as possible.

Members from the so-called "Real IRA" have been seen shooting into the air in an attempt to drive the cloud away in a staged show of defiance against illegal drugs.

A spokesman for the organisation said "like most of the things we do, this action is completely futile".