Cocktails For The Count

23rd Feb 2011

Cocktails for the Count
Whether you are having your anti-Fianna Fáil party at home or in town for this Saturday's general election results here are a selection of mixed drinks to enjoy….

The Biffo
A thick blend of traditional black stout and tarmacadam served in a two-litre vessel that weighs heavily on the mind. Gives a super-relaxed buzz the next morning putting you half way between drunk and hungover.

She just had some Biffo. Yay!

The Merkel
A stiff cinnamon German shot that will straighten your back and keep that generous overhanging gut tucked well in. The Aftershock of the new millennium comes with a price however. The hangover lasts for decades.

The Healy-Rae
A small demanding shot of incomprehensible face-spasming puteen served in a small independent glass and capped with a cute tea cosy. Best consumed alone.

The Bloody Mary
Have vodka and tomato juice poured all over you by a young angry woman while you continue on as if nothing ever happened.

Bloody Mary. Honk! Honk!

The Meehall
A fiery Cork brewed stout served in a long-neck glass with a very noticeable white head. Sounds sweet but can taste bitter. May cause you to speak in pidgin English when talking to Asians.

The HSE
A hugely popular refreshing tipple that requires a long wait at the bar while several staff fill out forms, wash their hands and take tea-breaks.

Even the dogs on the street know the game is up for Fianna Fáil.

The Infacteh
Each time you taste this tulip and whisky combo it tastes completely different. Even though it burns your throat and goes straight to your head, the next morning you'll wish somebody told you it had alcohol in it before you drank fifteen of them. Or was it twenty. Doesn't matter, you won't recollect a thing.

The Callely
A well-heeled flamboyant gin shipped directly from West Cork, back to Dublin and back to West Cork again for 'extra flavouring'. This horrible swill is guaranteed to make you cough it back up as soon as it enters your lying mouth.

A pint of Callely.

The Bungle
A mixture of Galwegian cryptosporidium porter, dirty Cork flood water and a thin sprinkling of industrial road salt this cocktail is not for the faint hearted. Guaranteed to have you stumbling around the bar with the gawks in minutes you'll knock over everyone's drinks, pinch a man's arse and get into a fight.

The Bailout
A bottomless vessel of free flowing pure alcohol. Kick over a table, break someone's phone and take a dump on the jacks floor. No matter how much damage you cause to property around you everyone else in the bar will pick up the bill!

This mad yoke did a double biffo and a bailout making him so langers he has started to look like Cowen.

The Irish Coffee
With coffee borrowed from a foreign state the current fashionable method of serving this drink is in a dropper and delivered by the 'micro-drop'. And you have to pay for your drink at the solvent bar next door.

The Seánie Fitz
A glass of wine from Bordeaux, a dash of Catalan cava and a shot of Russian vodka all hand-delivered by a the bar's private jet and decorated with a fancy retirement umbrella to weather you from the current economic storm. Best served on a yacht in the Algarve.