Cork Blood Crisis

7th Nov 2007

Cork Blood Crisis
Danny Elbow

Donie Corcoran from Liscarroll receives blood of unknown county origin at the Mater in Dublin.

It wouldn't surprise most Corkonians to hear of yet another scandal involving the Dublin controlled health service but this one will really rock the foundations of the People's Republic and proud Corkonians everywhere.

So frequent are the scandalous stories about ram-shackle hospital services that it would take a mighty big one to really shock you. Even using Kerry people for testing new high risk drugs and genetic experiments would hardly raise an eyebrow on Leeside.

It might take an Armageddon headline like "FAI Chief Delaney for top HSE post" for us to renew our disillusionment with the multi-billion euro a year operation.

Take the MRSA scandal for example. You might be over nighting for a simple routine procedure or check-up in an Irish hospital but you might end up leaving in a coffin if the deadly virus catches up with you during your stay.

The scandal we are revealing today however is one that threatens our nation and tribe - not just a handful of random individuals.

IT'S ALL IN THE BLOOD
Blood transfusions are an important modern method by which doctors can keep patients alive and healthy. After car accidents, injuries can cause severe loss of blood but a well stocked blood bank can be a life saver with its crucial supply.

Catherine O'Callaghan donates some blood at St. Finbarrs but who knows where it might end up..

We see the TV ads and hear them appealing for blood on the radio - with so many scandals it's understandable that those who follow the news might be wary of getting too close to the men and women in white coats when it doesn't seem necessary.

When receiving or giving blood one of the first things that must be clarified is your blood type.

SCANDAL
For those who have never given blood it might shock you to hear that the HSE does not recognise "Cork" as a separate type of blood type and amazingly, while the blood type "A positive" might sound like something that the world's top humans might exhibit in their veins, this variation is not exclusive to Corkonians.

PROC can exclusively reveal that those desperately needing blood might not receive the correct blood type - Cork blood that is. Imagine if you had the misfortune to get caught up in a road traffic accident up the country and were hauled into a hospital needing blood.

Already deeply traumatised by the incident and terrified by the thought of possibly contracting MRSA you would now suffer additional humiliation by possibly having the blood of somebody from Carlow pumped into your body.

Places like Carlow cannot be condoned. None of us have even been there and wouldn't even know what colour their hurlers wear - if they have any that is.

The HSE official refused to comment

What kind of health system are we paying for when it can't even ensure a Corkman will have his blood changed for that of another Corkonian. It's like going to a dentist to have your wisdom teeth taken out and coming out with a sex change.

This scandal really only affects Cork people. Somebody from Leitrim who has the blood of a Cavan person pumped into them wouldn't even feel the difference - except for a slight decrease in normal generosity (Cavan people are known to put their 'dinners in the drawer' when they hear a knock at the door in case they'd have to share).

SELF CHECK
There are hundreds of Cork men and women who have been infected by the blood of other counties and might not realise it and unfortunately there are some tragic consequences. If you know somebody who has received blood and isn't sure of it's origin please study the following symptoms and monitor them very carefully:

- Person is unusually unemotional: especially during Cork matches
- Has profound memory loss: unable to remember the words to "De Banks"
- Experiences hallunciations: seeing Kilkenny doing the three-in-a-row
- Profound unreasonableness: thinking the Cork Airport debt should be paid for by Corkonians
- Sudden hygiene deficiency: content to eat grass and not wash regularly
- Voice/accent distortion: may start to sound like somebody who presents Xpose on TV3

We call on the HSE to address this preposterous situation immediately and ensure all hospitals around the island of Ireland are heavily stocked with blood from bona fides Corkonians in case of an emergency.

Meanwhile we appeal to all Corkonians, especially in the run up to Christmas, to visit their local blood banks and donate as much blood as possible. However, before presenting yourself for donation you should watch the 2005 All Ireland hurling final DVD, drink copious amounts of tanora and parade around in your favourite Cork jersey for a few days. Better safe than sorry.

If you're interested in donating some of your Cork blood click here