Cork Football: Anti-Freeze Guns Ready

18th Aug 2010

Cork Squad: Anti-Freeze Guns Loaded

Training at Cork airport

PROC has learned from insiders in the Cork football camp that Conor Counihan's gallant men may be coated in a specially formulated airline anti-freeze during Sunday's All-Ireland semi-final clash with Dublin. In recent seasons the county's top players have suffered a type of altitude sickness that many Corkonians experience when travelling north of the county bounds.

Symptoms include nausea, sweating and nostalgia.

Similar to the de-icing system used on high altitude aeroplane journeys Cork's footballers may be sprayed with high powered anti-freeze hoses from the sidelines by the squad's troop of Maor Uisceanna if they are found to be making a balls of beating Dublin.

Players who hit simple wides or who deliver hospital passes to team mates will be hit with a 25bar jet of anti-freeze from the sideline which will prevent their limbs from freezing over in the hostile northerly climes of Dublin's inner city.

A direct hit to the eyes with the anti-freeze can produce quite a sting.

Although vastly superior in strength, experience and skill Cork will have their work cut out for them. Dublin's cosy hometown alliance with the GAA administration is worth more 10-15 points to the Jackeens as umpires and referees will be instructed to award Dublin bag loads of frees, 45s and penalties - something which will worry Cork bainisteoir Conor Counihan as well as those manning the anti-freeze weapons. It is also suspected that Noel O'Leary and Alan O'Connor will be red carded as they exit the team bus at the stadium.

Should the anti-freeze fail the management will be relying on the warmth of their breath to thaw any malfunctioning Cork players and the infamous Cork half-time 'hairdryer treatment' from the backroom team in which no vocal chord is spared will be implemented.

The HSE has also issued a message to Corkonians advising football fans with heart conditions to either not watch the game at all or to ensure the presence of a defibrillator near to where they choose to view it.

We are awaiting details from the health authority on a marquee arrangement at the Lee Fields for fans that will be manned by teams of paramedics and ambulance crews.

A small fee paid in advance will ensure attendees are issued with sedatives through intravenous drip around the 25 and 65 minute marks.