Cork GAA: Digging in for the Winter

18th Nov 2008

Digging in for the Winter
Finbarr Barry

There's nothing like a winter of disharmony to keep our hurling appetites whetted during the off-season. It'll be resolved one way or another eventually but here are some of our suggestions to resolve the current shambles in Cork GAA…

Digging in: A County Board official during a recent meeting at Pairc Úi Rinn.

Team Building
We propose an adventure weekend away for both sides to bond. Imagine Frank Murphy and Seán Óg sent into a forest together in West Cork to live like cave men for a few nights.

One would kill wild animals while the other would gather firewood to cook them on. Shelter and rafts would have to be built to get out and we would hope that some mutual respect and willingness to work together could be found and brought back in the real world.

This may go wrong if Seán Óg wants a hotter fire but Frank insists on holding back scarce wood to make the warmth last longer. And of course who would select the wood in the first place? And who would be on the panel to select the person who chooses the wood? And who really knows what type of wood is best for the fire? On second thoughts…

Paisley: known to favour football over hurling due to the weapons issue.

Another Mediator
Back in February the Celtic Tiger still looked like it had some gas in the tank so professional negotiator Kieran Mulvey was able to dedicate time unlocking the hurling gridlock on Leeside.

With a sinking economy and worrying labour disputes back in the news the mediator is unlikely to have time to come back to Cork to arbitrate detailed disputes like 'Chickengate' and Gerald MacCarthy's stance of 'no surrender'.

To eliminate any potential bias it needs to be somebody disconnected from the rough and tumble of the GAA and preferably a non-Corkonian. Who can we think of that would be very disconnected from GAA, be non-Corkonian, tough, authoritative, a bit scary and have huge experience of making massive compromises on entrenched positions? Anyone got Ian Paisley's mobile number?

Mass
When Fr. Dougal was stuck on that famous milk float with the bomb rigged to the accelerator, the best Fr. Ted could come up with was "another mass" to try to save his gaff prone curate.

The tangle that Cork GAA seems to have got itself into may have such little hope of unravelling itself that asking the Man Above for intervention might be the only way of straightening things out.

A series of open air masses in Pairc Úi Chaoimh with guest appearances from chart topping act The Priests might be our best hope - unless God has recently switched allegiance to the Cats of course.

Northern Ireland's new system of government works well.

Disband the County
Along with desperate stop-gaps measures like putting club champions Sarsfields into the All-Ireland championship on our behalf, playing the footballers in the hurling and vice-versa or putting the victorious Rebelettes out to face the Tipp lads in May, the only other thing we can come up with is to disband the county entirely and start again.

This would involve disbanding Cork itself and re-declaring it a new county called 'Finbarrland' or, dare we say, 'The PROC' and then applying to enter the Munster Championship as a new county.

The team manager would be picked by a secret committee, players will be selected by text message vote and the county board will vote whatever way they are told. Actually, maybe that's all a bit too close to what we've got already….

Rock, Paper, Scissors
First one to lose three rounds has to compromise one thing on their list. Nothing else has worked so this might be worth a shot and with such simple rules it doesn't require five disciplinary committees, a governing body and a motion at Special Congress to kick start it.

A Woman's Touch
Maybe this whole County Board versus The Hurlers lark needs a woman's touch. All we're seeing are stand-offs, posturing and a general unwillingness to compromise from the county's alpha-males.

Instead of wasting time working out how best to re-clarify the official media re-clarifications whose original clarifications weren't properly clarified - why doesn't each party get a bunch of old dolls into a room on their behalves to thrash out the whole thing and to come up with a few worthwhile alternative suggestions.

This totally male dominated fiasco is crying out for some female sensitivity and understanding and hopefully the conclusions won't be anything to do with changing Seán Óg's hairstyle, Tom Kenny's legs or Gerald MacCarthy's incredible moustache.

Compromise and cake: get the disputing parties mams to sort it out over dessert.

Call in the Mams
If you ever caused major hassle in the classroom your old lade would be "called in" for a chat. This, for many teachers was a sneaky way to straighten you out. They couldn't be seen giving you a flake but, by God, your mam could get away with dishing out a lot more than just a clip around the ear.

If the softly-softly approach doesn't breach the divide then there's nothing more frightening than a fuming red-faced Cork mam wielding a hurley and threatening blue-murder if you don't cop yourself on.

By the scruff of the neck both sides should be hauled before each other and told by their mothers exactly what to say, clipped around the ear if they deviate from the enforced scripted apologies and then made to have a puck around with their old enemy to make up and be friends.

If you have been outside the box recently with your thinking cap on and have some alternative suggestions as to how the hurling dispute can be resolved drop us a line!