Cork Horoscopes

30th Apr 2004

Cork Horoscopes
May 2004

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a shit about anyone..not even your ol' lade. You are a fan of Cork footballer FionnÂ·n Murray and Roy Keane. A lot of people hate you but you couldn't care less. You always believe you're actions are right but then apologise after only to do the same thing again. You would boo your friend's best-man speech at a wedding because you thought you should have been the best man.

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In your childhood you have gone down Patrick's Hill in a trolley and made it as far as the traffic lights on Bridge St. before you crashed into a parked Mercedes mangling both your arms and spending three months with your arms in casts. Daycint for getting time off school and homework-off though!

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Its hard to pin you down on your opinion on things like the new lights on Pana or whether the smoking ban has increased your chances of scoring. You're ultimate fantasy is to win All-Ireland medals with the hurlers and footballers in the same year and having a number of loosely groupies instead of a wife. You'd like to worship both Allah and Jesus Christ in case one religion has got it wrong.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words you're a scanty langer. Its likely you were the driving force behind Celtic Tiger 1 and will be a bit clever for Celtic Tiger 2 making sure you're taxes stay in Cork to be distributed by the future Minister for Logic and Common Sense (see Scorpio) that will be installed by the Peoples Republic Of Cork Militia after the transition period between Irish and Corkonian self rule.

LEO
Keano is a Leo so you don't have to ask. You're talented, determined, a good leader and full of energy - always bursting top get the job done properly. Like most Corkonians you're not too fond of Dubliners and those who collaborate with them but Leo's are particularly scathing. You'll always have a plan and are expecting the unexpected - "Failure to prepare. Prepare to fail."

VIRGO
You know how to enjoy yourself and are fond of the good life but you also have a tendency to talk rubbish particularly at dinner parties or working lunches. You have membership of both Cork and Kinsale Yacht Clubs even though you've got a phobia of boats, water and tight spaces and you're not telling anyone that the posh gaf with the swimming pool you bought in Douglas has a mortgage so big you have to have plain pasta every night of the week to keep the bank from repossessing it.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. In other words you're a stupid eejit that feens know they can take advantage of. You're the type who'll stupidly give away a coveted breast in a bun to some sly old doll in a short skirt in a taxi rank at 5am Saturday night when every outlet in the city is closed. You'd give away an All-Ireland Final ticket to a person from the opposing county who was terminally ill with three months to live and who really wanted to see a match in Croker before he died. Bloody fool!

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles so its unlikely you work for the government or civil service. However these are your only good traits. You've always fancied yourself as an election candidate and are considering going for the elections in June but your deep belief that everyone should have to pay the bin tax is going to make you unpopular from the start. Your common sense ideas for City Hall would go against the grain and your homely nature would be considered a threat to councillors junkets to European countries. Don't bother.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. As a young kid you were often seen down Hanover St. and that walkway from Brian Boru St. towards the train station spraying your tags on walls. Your masterpiece was "DJ Carey is a langer" which is admired by many Cork fans on their way home from the train station after All-Ireland hurling finals. You share a star sign with Christy Ring and Sonia O'sullivan.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. You're best friend is a scruffy long haired man with a dog on a rope who claims to be from West Cork despite a thick Cockney accent. You eat pesto, gubeen chees and wild mushies for breakfast and you have a strange obsession with herbs, rolled cigarettes and Jamican music. You claim to be a professional artist although all you have drawn to date is the dole.

AQUARIUS
You're a right langer. You are the ruthless academic type and have probably ended up working in the legal system. You're creativeness will assist hundreds of Corkonian traitors in their suspect compo claims. Your evil imagination will invent torturous fool proof stories of "soft tissue damage and reoccurring nightmares". The loss of income to your client will be in the "hundreds of thousands" even though he spent the last five years before the claim sitting in his gaf watching Man U TV and drawing the dole.

PISCES
Like the mullet swimming round in the River Lee you are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. You are the annoying bubbly bright punter everybody hates at Sunday morning GAA matches who won't believe his club has been beaten until the final whistle and even then you'll claim "the team building for next season is going well and the loss will teach them determination and build strong character". In other words they're shite.