Cork Metro - Passenger FAQ

13th Dec 2016

Since the launch of the city’s new metro system last week we have been inundated with hundreds of of emails. Admittedly most of them are offering us get rich schemes in Russia, drugs to enhance our sexual performance and a man who needs our bank details to help store millions of dollars belong to his father, a Nigerian king - it’s hard work keeping all our customers happy – but there have been many more of you asking pertinent questions about Cork Metro too.

To reduce the massive work load on our call centre’s Nokia 3310 however we have decided to print some of the most frequently asked questions here to help you navigate this exciting new addition to Cork’s transport infrastructure.

What choons will be played on the Cork Metro?
At each station a little snippet of The Banks will be played as the doors open to encourage passengers to let their fancies take flight. ‘Where’s Me Jumper?’ will be used to remind passengers not to forget all their belongings as they disembark and at each exit to show our appreciation to customers a Frank & Walters classic will let you know that ‘after all’ the PROC Transport Authority ‘really loves you’.
 

Jaywalkers may get a slap of a hurley before the train hits them

I’m ancient. Can I travel for free?
C’mere, did you do something that benefited the Rebel county before you designated yourself “elderly”? You don’t look that old to us. Did you work for a charity on Leeside or help coach smallies that went on to hit the big time in a red jersey? Did you show Roy how to kick a ball or Rob Heffernan how to speed walk? Did you play for Cork?

No? And you expect to get all this for free? Well, alright so sure, g’wan – you’re lucky we’re sound.  

Should I give up my seat for your wan who looks kinda pregnant?
Do you mean the big hairy one wearing the Kerry jersey eating batter burgers out of her handbag? Are you sure she’s pregnant, like? Imagine how morto you’d be it turned out that she’s just got irritable bowel syndrome or some other condition that gives her a bloated belly like an addiction to ‘golden food’. You’ll be eaten alive if you get it wrong. Literally. Stay where you are.
 

You would, wouldn't cha?

Or do you mean the beautiful girl in the Cork jersey? There are no telepathic gynaecologists employed by the PROC Transport Authority but this young Rebel could be carrying the next senior intercounty hurling captain so get up off your seat immediately if not sooner, boy!

Can I buy a monthly travel card to save a few bob?
A month? That’s way too short. You’re in Cork for the rest of your life (where else would you be going?) so to make payment easier there will be a one-off charge to your estate when you die that will cover all your journeys plus interest, booking fees, boarding charges, credit card charges, solicitors fees, insurance, VAT and hidden extras like all those “free” chips you got from the nice lady in the Cork Metro uniform on the way home from the pub.

Ride away and be merry for now. We’ll fix up with you when you’re gone.

I need to be able to add our new transport system to the list of stuff I use to brag about Cork. Can I assume this is the best Metro system in the world?
Put it this way. The Cork Metro is to subway systems like Christy Ring was to hurling. Just when you think you’re not going to make an important appointment because you slept it out one of our trains will steam in and save the day.
 

Wrinklies travel for free

Is jaywalking allowed on the Cork Metro?
It would be a denial of a Corkonian’s civil rights to prevent someone from dangerously crossing train tracks as an on-coming train rushes past with just inches to spare. We do not want to be hauled up before any courts of human rights - all casualties will be collected after the midnight service. Body bags are only €1.50.  

How will you power the Cork Metro?
Community service usually involves fellas who’ve dodged prison spending a whole day painting a small wall with ten others.

Under PROC rule (which will be ‘democracy lite’ or as we prefer to call it a ‘daycint dictatorship’) they will be forced to sit in one of our Cork Metro Pedal Stations once a week where they will create the electricity to power our trains by pedalling a stationary bike connected to a generator.
 

You know the rules feen.

If your train is going slowly you can be reassured that Cork’s already low crime rate has hit rock bottom - or else the law men have gone on their holidays. When the crime rate eventually reaches zero the peddlers will be replaced by Kerrymen living in Cork who will be rounded up with cattle prodders from outside bars on Washington Street every Thursday night.

Can we have a munch on board?
Each week a different Cork restaurant will be obliged to provide healthy on-board snacks and tasting plates. Instead of the manky sewer smells you get out of subway systems around the world Cork’s will waft out clouds of tripe and drisheen, black pudding, seafood chowder and Gubbeen cheese around the city.

You seem to have all the answers so tell us when will the event centre be built?
Never. Get used to it.