Cork Predictions for 2012

10th Jan 2012

Corkto Stay in Euro While Ireland Gets Kicked Out

It wouldn’t be fair on the most prosperous county in on the island if it was turfed out of the euro because of the economic tomfoolery of the other 25 counties. Cork has been dragged into the mire against its will.

Irelandmight get the boot but Europe will be anxious to keep the People’s Republic within the fold and our new position as the pocket-rocket of the EU will give us plenty of extra diplomatic weight to throw around this island in particular. Watch this space.

Some time-out in Cork for Merkozy will see markets rally

Euro Crisis

The monthly European crisis meetings are set to continue with the Merkozy pair still doing all the talking while the nodding dogs howl along to their wonky tunes like suburban muts to a bleating ice cream van.

By simply taking the place of the Dublin government at the EU table, Cork will double the IQ of the continent’s leadership immediately and a cute hoor solution is sure to be swift, however, the bungling is already likely to be done by the time the train arrives in Brussels from Kent Station.

We predict the culture of wishy washy diluted compromises churned out by Merkozy will result in a proposed ‘super solution’ which will buoy the markets for at least 45 minutes: countries with dodgy economies go back to their original currencies but hang on to fifty euro notes too. For all purchases over fifty quid you use euro. For everything else you use the old stuff. It’s so bad it might actually work. What else has.

Corkto Solve Iranian Crisis

Them aul’ devils in Tehran are ramping up the frosty rhetoric towards ‘The West’ again and after some research we can assure you that they are not talking about west Cork so calm down.

This time they are threatening to close the Straight of Hormuz which would damage international trade. Although this is not as serious as the infamous hurling and football strikes of the past decade international diplomacy will have to go into overdrive to avoid some rowdy shouldering on the high seas and Cork should be able to provide the muscle – jaw muscles that is.

Bringing them together: No pressure there Jimmy

This calls for a team of local plamásers to set sail for the Persian Gulf to talk enough Blarney to the Iranians until such time as the world economy gets its sea legs again and they give up.

And what better vessel to take into international action than the MV Julia currently residing on the north quays doing nothing – except blowing its horn like a crazed elephant on New Year’s morning to test the hangovers of all Corkonians.

The Year of the JBM
The County Board have just lobbed a dead handy list of all the county’s football and hurling fixtures on their website: gaacork.ie. In years past this list was only available to people who had access to the board’s secret match scheduling machine and knew the special password –‘Yes Chairman’.

The visits of Kilkenny’s hurlers and Dublin’s footballers on March 25^th and April 8^th will be particularly special. Although Pairc Uí Chaoimh is more of a battered tin pot than a cauldron, Rebels will turn out in force for both matches and will be sure to give the Cats and the Dubs a test they will remember. A double dig to both 2011 championship incumbents would bring much needed sporting excitement to Leeisde.

NAMA to hand buildings over to the People

When Santy dropped the key to that NAMA’d building on Oliver Plunkett Street to the Occupy Cork camp late last week he may have been hoping to give the country a big hint. There are loads of shamefully empty buildings owned by NAMA in Cork and if the occupying rebels can make a good job of what goes on in there maybe the Dublin government will release more properties to us for good use while Merkozy make up their minds on the debt they saddled us with.

The Chosen Wan: 'Crocadiles 'n' shit.  I'm lovin' it.'

Celebrity Visitor of 2012
We had the Queen last year so who could we possibly get to generate even more opportunities to tell the world how absolutely fantastic Cork is.

Well, we should probably think about what groups of people don’t know much about the People’s Republic of Cork yet: North Koreans. Maybe the Lorda over at City Hall could send an invitation to Kim Jung-Un, the country’s new youthful leader. Still raw and malable, think what a trip to Cork would do for his mind. And world peace.

Vita Cortex in the Cork Dictionary
The bravery shown by the Corkonians at this Kinsale Road factory is awe inducing. Rebels are supposed to stand up for themselves and fight and that’s exactly what these hard done-by, hard working and now hard-pressed Leesiders are doing: telling “the man” to go and stuff his revolting greed.

While it may or may not quite spark an Arab Spring among those losing their jobs, the Cork workers steadfastness is astounding and a lesson to all who are patronised by fat cats with crumbs from the table of corporate sloth.

Yes, times are tough and nobody wants to turn employers off setting up shop in Cork but the balance has swung too far in favour of big business. To the ordinary Cork citizen it looks like our fellow Corkonians have been given the two fingers by money hungry suits.

There is no entry in the Cork Dictionary under ‘V’. Let’s hope that our comrades’ efforts in the Kinsale Road result in a new entry rather soon:

Vita Cortex [noun]:to administer an unexpected beating to an apparently stronger enemy. Example: The crowd of langers got the vita cortex when they picked on the karate kid.

Sun and flahs: Myrtleville in early January. Cork is unreal.

Summer 2012 Heat Wave
The temperature difference between Ireland’s summer and winter is turning out to be single figures - a miserably cool summer followed by a tropically warm winter that has, so far, turned last year’s Arctic Terror on its head and put a hot water bottle on its feet.

With a bit of luck this weather lottery might mean a sizzling summer with temperatures consistently in the twenties, some blue sky and only the odd flood.

The balmy weather could mean significant lifestyle changes for Corkonians - we might actually get away without a jumper until half eight at night and most of us will be looking forward to our first pint outdoors in three years that didn’t have to be taken back inside because of rain or a nasty man-flu inducing draught.