Cork Sizzling in 15C Heatwave

7th Apr 2015

The mercury has hit a searing 15.8C on a temperature gauge near The Lough in Cork City causing some Corkonians to throw themselves in with the ducks to cool off in desperation.

The heatwave has plunged the Rebel County into a sizzling mid-teen sweat box where locals have found themselves removing their jackets and forced to carry them on their arms and shoulders which doctors say could lead to extreme dehydration and possibly DEATH.

“I came out with my coat today and after ten minutes I thought I was going to die it was so hot”, said Mary-Aloysius Barrett, 52, from Pearse Road, “the council should provide hooks on lampposts for us to hang up clothing or else it is body bags they’ll be buying. I’d say tis cooler in the Sahara today.”

Some politicians have called on city council to consider providing water stations every few hundred yards on the city’s streets where Corkonians could keep themselves tanked up.

“Dehydration is a real threat to Cork people and these water stations are essential to minimise death and injury”, said one government TD on condition of anonymity and a guarantee of good publicity before the next election, “obviously those taking water from the stations will have the appropriate fee deducted from their wages afterwards. “

Ireland’s richest business man Denis O’Brien, whose company installs all water meters for Irish Water, is the front runner to win the contract to set up water stations during each heatwave.

Jobsbridge workers, earning slightly more than the dole, will be used to hand out carefully measured amounts of uisce to people who have handed over their PPS number, confirmed the colour of their front door and supplied their body mass index to Irish Water.   

With such head melting temperatures it’s easy for us Corkonians to lose the run of ourselves so please take the following advice from the PROC’s Official Health and Safety Gone Mad Committee.

The guideline for keeping the body temperature of any Corkonian regulated are as follows: cooled Tanora for the morning, hot Barry’s tea for the afternoon and a cold creamy pint of Murphy's for the evening.

Knowing the signs of sunstroke in a Corkonian is also important. Wearing brightly coloured swimming shorts purchased at the beach in Santa Ponza ten years ago with white socks, ‘communion shoes’ and a wifebeater is one of the classic signs that somebody has lost the plot.

Another symptom is ‘Terrible Tat Syndrome’ where  Corkonians who watch too many TV programmes with hipsters in them go into a heat-induced trance, enter a tattoo studio and pay hundreds of euros to have their shin, calf, instep or neck decorated in a gaudy pattern that wouldn’t look out of place in an art competition for junior infants experiencing sea sickness and using their bad hand.

The moment there’s warm weather they’ll want to show them off and you can call an ambulance immediately.

Be careful out there, Rebels.