Cork V Mayo: NFL Final Preview

23rd Apr 2010

Mayo. An incidental, harmless county. Known for its rain, bleakness and holiness its footballers face Cork in Croke Park this Sunday.

Mayo footballers have always liked to keep it simple.

The county is allegedly named after hundreds of barrels of the popular American foodstuff mayonnaise that landed on its rugged western shores in the mid-1910's after slipping off the deck of a transatlantic vessel.

Then known as 'The Sponge County' - as it rains there approximately 364 days a year - locals believed the mysterious bounty was a message from God and set about applying it to their bodies in a most peculiar fashion.

Not realising that the paste was in fact a condiment locals began using it instead of toothpaste as they had never come across the substance before. Men from the county took a particular liking to the taste of their new tooth cleanser and tubs of the substance were selling for the equivalent of a dozen slave children as local women were said to be besotted with their young suitors unique smelling breath which had previously ponged of cattle feed (in fairness they had to practice kissing somewhere).

After an overconfident trip to Galway for the Connaught football final in 1917 in which Mayo lost their crown to the home team (scoring a meagre 1-1) Galway city women discovered what the men of their neighbouring county had been up to as real mint tasting toothpaste had been available in the Connaught capital for several years unbeknown to the visitors.

Official energy drink of the Mayo football squad

When the truth was unveiled in national newspapers the rest of Ireland began to taunt males from the county, by calling them "Mayo men". The name has stuck to this day and the natives have reluctantly embraced the name change despite their questionable orthodontics.

CLOUD OF ASH
There are a number of conspiracy theorists, many of whom can be found in pubs in the Barrack Street area, who believe Mayo, and not Iceland, is the source of the volcanic ash that has been causing bedlam in European airspace since late last week.

One theory is that the ash plume may have been initiated by wood burning in the West of Ireland region to try to prevent Cork's footballers returning from their warm weather training camp in Spain.

This of course didn't work and a jittery Mayo team must now face the Rebels in the National Football League final in Croke Park this Sunday.

Another related theory is the fact that hurleys are made from ash. Concerns have been raised that Mayo GAA authorities may have sanctioned the burning of ash to prevent locals taking up the game - resulting in the no-fly zone over much of northern Europe.

Mayo's hurlers currently reside in the pits of Division 3A with other hurling big guns like London and Meath. The last thing that county needs to be doing is burning the substance that may carry them out of such deplorable depths.

KNOCK-IN' ON HEAVANS DOOR

Knock tat shops contribute 78% of Mayo's GDP. The rest is made up by Supermacs.

It is unfair to deride Mayonians for believing the barrels of Mayonaise were a gift from God as it is officially the holiest county in Ireland.

Outdoing even the most modest movements of a statue in our own Ballinspittle, the tiny Mayo parish of Knock blows others out of the (Holy) water with its alleged triple appearance of Holy Mary, St. Joseph and St. John.

Despite the religious apparitions, witnessed by 15 locals at the local church in Knock, and the dignified developments which one would assume would follow, the village has become an epicentre of hickness with tacky religious artefact shops lining the main street all vying for pilgrims' euro.

In spite of the alleged relationship with the divine Mayo's success in the championship has been virtually non-existent. This gives offers two possibilities: either God has no interest in Mayo or simply prefers hurling.

Next Sunday at Croke Park will see a tough, hungry and skilful Cork team take to the field determined to put down a marker for the championship having been bludgeoned (literally and illegally) by Kerry in last year's All-Ireland final.

Hurling in Mayo: another apparition?

Since the league was revamped in 2002, half of the teams that have won the league went on to win the championship in the same year and that statistic will have been at the front of bainisteoir Conor Counihan's mind since this league campaign began.

Even without footballing cyborg and captain fantastic Graham Canty, this Cork side are lethal and we expect the Rebels to bulldoze the Mayo defence from the word go.

Barring another bout of divine intervention in Mayo there'll be smiles on Leeside on Sunday night.

Find out more about Mayo by clicking here

Dublin state broadcaster tipping Mayo to win league final click here

Make your own mayonaise click here