Corkmen to Level Leinster Langers

27th Apr 2009

Munster's Corkmen to Level Leinster Langers
Danny Elbow

Thankfully the main focus on oval shaped objects for Corkonians on Easter Sunday was on the many egg shaped balls that Ronan O'Gara popped between the posts to secure a stunning victory over the Welsh Osprey's at Thomand Park.

Donnacha likes it in his underpants.

The Corkman along with scrum half Tomás O'Leary and second-row Donnacha O'Callaghan took firm control of his wilder Limerick team-mates and directed them into yet another Heineken Cup semi-final - a label that is sure to have the "semi" part dropped come full time.

Be in no doubt: Leinster will be crushed in Croke Park on May 3rd as the Corkmen and the Limerick boys they allow along for the ride cruise towards the final in Edinburgh.

The Leinster Dubs main weakness is their number ten. Once again O'Gara's opposite number Fillipe Contepomi and his half-back partner Chris Whitaker will crumble in front of the Grand Slam Corkonians.

Contepomi is an infamous bottler. His shambolic performance against O'Gara in the recent Magners League encounter coupled with such awful place-kicking that would make a Kilkenny footballer look credible guarantee a Munster success.

And should O'Gara have an off-day by his own standards (which he won't) Peter Stringer has often proved himself to be the icing on Munster's cake in big matches. Every team fears the highly decorated scrum-half's military like delivery of ball from rucks - carving up defences that would normally consider themselves solid and well organised.

Munster's pocket rocket has brought immense pride to Corkonians with his infamous bullet pass - often triggering the concerns of nervous Limerick Gardaí when accompanied by the pass's customary sonic boom.

Hurling. Done. Rugby. Done. O'Leary might give the boxing a bash next.

To boot, Stringer's brave tackling puts giant sized 'tough guys' like O'Connell and Hayes to shame, regularly rescuing the timid Limerick men as they fail to tackle opponents darting past the fringes of rucks and mauls.

If they have any sense Dublin's favourite rugby team should "opt out" of the semi-final clash to save themselves the physical pain and embarrassment of what Cork's favourite rugby team are likely to do to them.

Contract "free transfers" could be used by giant chicken chasers like Malcom O'Kelly and Leo Cullen, who both looked weak against Harlequins, to avoid playing Munster again. Perhaps opting to tog off for a ladies' provincial side or switching to another sport altogether before May 3rd would prevent the gentle beanpoles from ultimate humiliation.

For tall heavy men these Dubs are questionably timid when faced with making important tackles - flapping one's arms like a farmyard bird in the general direction of a speedy incoming ball carrier is not only personally cringing for well-healed Leinster fans but atrocious value-for-money for the IRFU who pay their hefty wages.

Stringer may be called on again for his mysterious levitation technique

O'Kelly and Cullen should opt out of their contracts in light of the recession and opt instead to try Gaelic football for their native county where they may be of some use. Perhaps their height would be beneficial - although their fear of physical confrontation will be badly exposed if they come up against the likes of Rebels Anthony Lynch or Pearse O'Neill in this year's championship.

Donnacha O'Callaghan humbly allows Limerick's Paul O'Connell to pilfer the limelight as the 'big-man tough-guy' of the team - in fairness the former CBC student realises that the Treaty city could do with some good news with its current gang war and centuries of other misfortune and rain - but O'Kelly and Cullen will receive serious punishment from the Corkman if they attempt to get in the way of his third Heineken Cup medal.

Unlike O'Connell, who appears to relish the faux pride-of-the-parish image he has been doused with by the media, the easier-on-the-eye O'Callaghan operates much more covertly.

The Leinster pack egg each other on for the semi final clash with Munster

Much of his work, like that of hurler Timmy McCarthy goes unnoticed. Donnacha cleans out rucks banishing them of stray hands, legs and discarded underpants to deliver clean possession - often licking the ball on its way back to the scrum half to make it as hygienic and dirt-free as possible for his fellow Corkonian.

For their own well being Leinster's lanky locks would be best advised to step aside should the former-Highfield freight-train bellow towards them at full velocity - little jets of steam puffing from his ears.

Failing that, for the Dubs' own safety, their limbs should be encased in plaster paris before kick-off as it will save over-worked doctors and nurses valuable time when the Leinster locks are presented at A&E later that evening.

In summary, the Leicester and Cardiff Blues semi-final may prove more interesting to Corkonian rugby fans than the throw-about at Croke Park as they can determine the faults and failings of Munster's final opponents in Edinburgh on May 23th.