Corkonians Least Likely to Live in Dublin

1st May 2012

Corkonians Least Likely to Live in Dublin

Corkonians are the most likely to stay in their own county and are the least likely to move to the Pale according to new Census information released this week.

Only 15% of Corkonians actually leave Cork and a mere 4.2% of Dublin’s population is Corkonian – the smallest contribution from any county. Most of us probably knew it already but it’s no harm for an independent body like the Central Statistics Office to confirm what we always knew.  

Only 15% of Corkonians leave Cork. The least of any county.

Some wondered about the absence of a large Cork crowd at Croke Park last Sunday for Cork’s three-in-a-row league victory against Mayo. These figures explain it. Cork people are generally uncomfortable in grittier, grimier Dublin where the average temperature is about ten degrees less than Cork.

It also precipitates a lot more – if it isn’t rain you feel falling on you in Dublin then it’s probably some lout in Temple Bar urinating from a height or a boozed up bowsy coughing up cheap cider on Hill 16.

There’s also a cold northerly wind that blows down from Northern Ireland that picks up a lot of bitterness and spite on its way south to cut into the faces of those who inhabit the Pale.

With such hostile meteorological conditions on top of the general unpleasantness of Dirty Aul Town it’s no wonder so few Corkonians venture north.

200 Reasons To Leave Dublin

Recently a lot of PROC users emailed us a link to an article that appeared in Totally Dublin magazine entitled “200 Reasons Not To Leave Dublin”. Yes, we’ve underlined the ‘not’ just in case you understandably missed it. 

Dublin have brought rugby rucking to gaelic football

Intrigued by not only the apparent paradox in the title but the sheer number of alleged reasons (if pushed we could only come up with three or four reasons to even visit Dublin – going to Croke Park for a Cork match, visiting Bill O’Herlihy, going on the Late Late Show with your band and throwing eggs at the Guinness Brewery) we sent an independent observer to investigate the article as we couldn’t morally click on links to the page ourselves.

Morto: Cork people in Dublin carry umbrellas just in case another Corkonian finds out they're living in the Pale.

Within seconds our man had given the all clear. The article was declared a farce so it was safe for us to go in - the first three reasons sum up the barrel bottom scraping going on.

We promise we aren’t making this up but here are the top three reasons Dubliners are advised to stay in Dublin:

1. Chips

2. Vincent Browne

3. Deli counters.

Honestly, that’s what’s in it! This article has been shared an incredible 85,000 times on Facebook by Dubliners which is mesmerising to Corkonians but to be fair it also reveals the desperation of the Pale’s inhabitants for such material.

Most country lads who go to Dublin have a disappointing experience

If you live in Dublin the need to self-convince yourself that where you live is great is essential – at least its 40,000 strong Corkonian population have the carrot of coming home to visit the Rebel County every weekend.

Nonetheless we are not intent on spoiling the party even if it’s as fake as Arthur’s Day. Why? Because it’s best to keep the Dubs in Dublin. Although it gives them an easy ride every other county prefers that Dublin GAA play all their games at home to keep fans from travelling to their patch.

Keep them where they are.

If things like chips dripping in fat, a cranky old man and a few bland sandwich stalls are what’s keeping the Dubs in Dublin then it’s important we don’t burst the bubble of illusion. Here’s why.

De Great Wall of Cork
The front of Monday’s Evening Echo had some shocking news about the latest threat to Cork from Dubliners. Gardaí report that criminals from the capital are regularly travelling south to burgle Cork homes.

Howyiz: Dubs tend to keep a low profile in Cork for obvious reasons.

As any Corkonian who has lived in Dublin will tell you, if you leave a bicycle unattended for more than four seconds in the Pale by the time you return to it, the bike will have been melted down and injected into someone for a ‘deadly buzz’. 

We simply can’t have this intense level of criminality in Cork so the case for erecting a large Great Wall of China style buffer around the county is growing by the day and hopefully Cork County Council will set aside a budget for it soon. It won’t even cost that much. The spend on labour will be negligible as Rebels will volunteer in their tens of thousands to help seal the border.  

Former Clare captain and now Dublin hurling manager Anthony Daly shows his frustration at being recently relegated down to the second division or Division 1B as they like to call it these days

In the meantime while concrete for De Great Wall is being mixed we suggest border patrols on all entry roads to the Rebel County. Suspected Dub drivers and fellow passengers will be asked to speak into a breathalyser-like device to detect their accent.

A recording of their nasal drone will be beamed to People’s Republic of Cork HQ where the individual’s accent will be analysed by experts from around the county and a message beamed back to the device.

Dubs who test ‘positive’ will be humiliated by being forced to wear the Dublin GAA jersey at all times in Cork so they can be easily identified and openly slagged. We suggest a three metre exclusion zone be kept around them at all times for fear of robbery or hearing their accents.

That’s one more reason to add to their infamous list.

Reason 201: if you leave Dublin you will be treated with suspicion and slagged.