Cork's Lisbon Questions Answered

7th Sep 2009

Cork's Lisbon Questions Answered
PROC Referendum Commission

There's so much confusing information out there about the Lisbon Treaty that we've decided to answer some of the main questions that Corkonians will have about the upcoming referendum…

Noelie: Weapon of mass destruction.

What does Lisbon mean for human rights and Kerry people?
Although former Kingdom manager Paudie Ó Sé described them as "the roughest type of f**king animals" Kerry fans have persuaded the EU that they are human enough to be given a vote in the upcoming referendum. That means Kingdom supporters, despite their wild behaviour will, in law at least, have as much right to be on the M7 in their tractors and as entitled to sit in a train carriage as their superior neighbours.

There's an upside to everyone having more human rights though. Legal gurus might consider bringing a case to the European courts on our right to have a reasonably comfortable seat at Pairc Úi Chaoimh regardless of size. Currently anyone over 5" 9' spends a match in contorted positions trying to prevent their shins from being penetrated by the hard plastic lip on the seat in front.

If that works out then our right not be treated like psychotic cattle outside same venue on match day might also be something the Lisbon treaty will come in handy for.

Could Pearse O'Neill and Noel O'Leary be conscripted into the EU army?
While other nations in the EU boast nuclear arsenals, giant warships and aeroplanes with guns and bombs on them, Cork boasts the likes of top footballers P. O'Neill and Noel O'Leary - who are currently under the command of General Conor Counihan and more than enough to frighten any war monger.

The unfounded rumours of conscription had pretty much guaranteed a yes vote in Kerry as the only way they're likely to win another Munster title is if Cork's toughest troopers are busy in the EU trenches and unable to tog out for the Rebels.

Cooper: rattled by Anthony Lynch in Páirc Úi Chaoimh.

Thankfully the Lisbon Treaty has nothing to do with conscription and never did. Pearse and the boys are free to inflict misery on all other counties for years to come!

Can Lisbon stop exaggerated advertising claims?
Colm Cooper is currently endorsing an energy drink on Dublin station RTE. In it the Gooch proclaims that the last part of a match is the most vital and that the liquid ensures he delivers "in the last fifteen minutes".

If this is so, why did Cooper look like an elderly asthmatic mule when marshalled by Anthony Lynch in Pairc Úi Chaoimh? With Cooper so rattled shouldn't the viewer be told what the Corkman is drinking too? Fair is fair.


Kerry are also being touted as "team of the decade" by Pat Spillane and other pundits from the Kingdom. With better policing of the media we will be able to eliminate much of this exaggerated misleading advertising and ensure that Cork players get full credit where it's due.

The questionable sales tactics don't stop there either. Kerry's Aidan O'Mahony also has a history of trying to "sell" dives to referees - his classic in 2007 got Cork superstar Donnacha O'Connor sent off. In 2008 Kerry fans were suggesting that Paul Galvin's outrageous crime of knocking the referee's book out of his hand whilst being being yellow carded was in fact the Kerryman's attempt to shoo a dangerous wasp.

Combover's new home. Just imagine the horse trading he could get up to!

Are Frank Murphy's retirement and the Lisbon Treaty connected?
PROC lawyers have been studying the Lisbon Treaty in great detail and it appears that there are no references to the recent turmoil between players and the Cork County Board executive. This is disappointing because these high profile disputes have been one of the biggest talking points in European sport for a long time.

At least the treaty doesn't give either side an advantage for whatever upcoming squabbles are ahead of us this winter.

There's a big fear about Ireland being dragged into military conflicts provoked by other member states. Should the Russians start a war over EU expansion into the Ukraine for example, surely somebody like County secretary Frank Murphy would be the ideal choice to get Ireland off the military hook?

Most Irish soldiers are solid GAA men anyway and Ireland's participation in the war could be continuously put on hold while the Avondhu U21 football championship is held up by suspiciously reoccurring draws between Ballyclough and Kilworth. This could be the ideal post for the Blackrock man when he retires from the board.

Liz Bonin: Different to Lis-bon but both worth voting Yes to.

What is former Off the Rails presenter Liz Bonnin's role in the referendum?
With such widespread confusion the last time we were asked to vote, rumours suggest the starlet has been asked to stay away from the country in the run up to Lisbon 2 as her name distracts from the real issues of her namesake, the Treaty itself.

A mention of the former RTE presenter and her more than agreeable appearance is a golden opportunity for picture editors to wheel out easy-on-the-eye photos, much to the delight of readers.

Politicians want to keep fellas' minds on the legally binding assurances of EU constitutional law and Lisbon…instead of letting their imaginations be distracted by the thoughts of legally binding themselves with Liz Bonin.

Could the Lisbon Treaty reduce Cork's chances of winning Sam Maguire?
There is a suggestion that Lisbon will permit abortion and this of course is a very controversial issue - especially in sport. Be assured. Under no circumstances can Kerry abort this year's All-Ireland final and avoid a massacre.

That is an absolute cast iron guarantee according to the Referendum Commission. Granted, the Kerry players themselves might not come back out after half time (the ones that can walk anyway) and this might be seen as 'self-aborting' but the presentation of Sam Maguire to Captain Canty will take place regardless.

Some mercy will be shown by the GAA authorities however. The provision of sleek looking nappies for some Kerry players will be allowed in the event of their bowels reacting to the sight of John Miskella and Paul Kerrigan bearing down on their goal. But, no matter how much they shit they come out with, abortion is nothing to do with Lisbon.