Corona Virus and Carbon Footprint: More Reasons To Never Leave Cork

5th Mar 2020

The arguments for never leaving Cork grow stronger every day. Last weekend, the first case of the corona virus in Ireland was found in Dublin while leaving Cork on any mode of transport burning fuel means more carbon dioxide being pumped into the atmosphere and more tears rolling down the face of a Swedish school girl.  

Travel agents and holidays companies in Cork have been inundated with calls from Corkonians worrying about whether they’ll be able to go on the big fancy foreign holiday they booked before Christmas. Should they cancel?

There’s a simple answer. Unless the Department of Foreign Affairs in Dublin explicitly recommend that you shouldn’t travel the country you booked the holiday in, you’re not entitled to get your coin back if you decide not to go. If the corona virus persists in Italy, France and Spain then that’s going to result in a lot of very difficult decisions for lots of Corkonians. 
 

Full protection from unwanted substances like Corona and  the Dublin Guinness

Whatever about that crowd up in Dublin, it has long been the recommendation of the People’s Republic of Cork’s Department of Not Cork Affairs to never leave Cork. And while we’re on the topic of foreign affairs it’s also PROC policy that if you really have to have an affair, do it with a Corkonian.

If you do decide to leave the sanctity of the Rebel County then as far as the provisional- government-in-waiting is concerned, you’re on your own kid: you made your bed, now you have to lie in those manky corona-snotted sheets. We’re not sending the 208 bus out to collect you and the other eegits who left Cork.

That’s why both climate change and the covid19-virus are the perfect excuses to stay local, whether it’s for your summer holiday or a weekend away with the old doll or a few heads on the sauce.
 

Inchydoney - sure where else would you be going?

There are hundreds of thousands of Corkonians who don’t need these “travel advisories” concocted by the overpaid government mandarins in The Pale, to feel uncomfortable about leaving Cork, be it for work or pleasure.

While you shouldn’t ever feel ashamed about declaring this unease to your family, many of us don’t and it can result in awkward stand-offs:

She says Turkey, you say Kanturk.  
She says Malaga, you say Mallow.
She says Sharm-el-Sheikh, you say Sharm-el-Sherkin.

And so it goes, on and on: she starts wondering if you’ve a secret fear of flying or if there’s a European arrest warrant out for you.

Even if you’re a fully signed up climate change denier or you reckon you have an all-star immune system that would allow you to snog the face off a gondola full of covid19-sneezing Italians without contracting so much as a runny nose, you may still be uncomfortable leaving Cork – and that’s natural - just don’t mention your crazy, unsubstantiated view. Use climate change and the Chinese Snots as reasons to stay put instead.

You can tell your sun-loving, flight-hopping other half that you’re really concerned about the environment and that you think there is a collective responsibility on all of us to prevent the spread of corona virus around the world.

Tell her that every time you see the pained expression on Greta Thunberg’s little face as she bravely squares up to the world’s biggest political bullies and the trillion-dollar oil industry, the voices of those directly affected by climate change pleading for help are ringing around your Rebel head.

AND, if you came back to Cork with corona virus then there would be huge consequences for all your work colleagues and their families that would have to go into lockdown for two weeks.

Kids would become prisoners in their own home.

“Imagine that, love. The poor children, like.”

If she’s a big Coronation Street fan, this is a good time to pull your best, subtle soap opera move and place your hand on hers gently to convince her how seriously you are taking these big global issues.

There’s a good chance you’ll get some tears of acceptance, a spontaneous hug (at which point you can do your best Corry-esque, calculating villain face over her shoulder) and of course, what you really wanted all along: to not have to leave Cork.

Dowtcha, boy.