Could They Actually Be Any Worse?

24th Feb 2011

Although the next government, most likely lead by a Mayo jersey, will be saddled with the gruesome task of sorting out the country's fiscal deficit and the huge banking debt taken on by their predecessors, one wonders if they actually tried to would they be able to do a worse job than Fianna Fáil have done. Let's see….

IMF COMMONWEALTH
Such was Fianna Fáil's catastrophic management of the economy that we lost all economic sovereignty to the IMF and the ECB. To do worse than this Fine Gael will need to bring Ireland back into the British Commonwealth and have the Act of Union of 1800 reinstated. The only thing more humiliating than that would be to be taken over by another struggling nation with a smaller population - like Iceland.

IRELAND ADDED TO AXIS OF EVILRENEGOTIATING THE ECB DEAL
With everyone talking about us having to get a better deal from the ECB to stop Ireland defaulting, the only way Enda Kenny's government could do worse than Fianna Fáil is if they announced after intensive week-long negotiations with Angela Merkel and Co. that the already cripplingly high interest rate had actually increased.

With Iraq now firmly out of America's famous trio of rogue countries (nothing like an invasion to address that problem) North Korea and Iran will be looking for another country beginning with 'I' to join them. Iraq might have gone through hell but look at all the billions the Yanks are pumping in there now to get it functioning.

Or they could go on the lash for 5 years

That said if we could spoof that there's a lash of WMD's hidden in bunkers out along the Beara peninsula then Uncle Sam might invade and set up camp with hundreds of thousands of US troops - imagine the amount of Blarney Woollen Mill sweaters, O Conaill's chocolates, hurleys, days out in Fota and trips up Shandon all those troops would make? Could be an economic bonanza!

IRISH LANGUAGE
To really out-do their predecessors the next government would have to not only scratch Irish from the syllabus all together but replace it with Latin. Under the new language act all signage will have to be in English and Latin which would soak up handy millions and destroy any remaining hints of Gaelic culture. Statio Bene Fida Carnis!

BROADBAND FAIL
To save more millions the incoming government could revert back to old copper wiring as fibre optic cables could be sold on to developing nations for cash that we can throw into the money-sump at Anglo Irish Bank on Stephen's Green in Dublin. Dig out those dial-up modems and dust off the Nokia 3310's!

DanBo's tweeting had others in a twist

TROPHY STADIUM
To out do the Fianna Fáil regime who tried so hard to kick start trophy pet-projects like the Bertie Bowl the incoming government will need to develop a pointless stadium project. With the likes of Lansdowne Road (now sadly rebranded under the name of a foreign insurance company) embarrassingly empty for all international soccer and some rugby matches why not build another stadium to soak up another billion euro note?

CORK AIRPORT
Such is the grip that the Dublin Airport Authority has on Cork airport that the only thing that would give them even more pompous control of our runways is changing ORK to DUB on arriving luggage. Corkonians arriving home by air could be greeted by the music of Jedward and Chris de Burgh while unsuspecting tourists hopping on buses to "city centre" are shipped straight to Temple Bar or another Dublin den of inequity. A giant statue of Twink or Brush Shiels could be erected at the airport gate to put the icing on being the worst government in history and making sure nobody in Cork ever votes for them again.

One of several posters on Barrack Street this week

DISMANTLE THE MAGIC BRIDGE
Fianna Fáil have delivered so little for Cork's infrastructure that if the next government wanted to out-do them they might have to just take existing roads apart. Flood and add the Jack Lynch tunnel to the main drainage scheme, dismantle the flyover above the Magic Roundabout and turn the M8 into a canal for Simon Coveney's yacht.

FLOODY HELL
Fianna Fáil did nothing for Cork when it was up to its waist in water in November 2009 so another way to surpass the last government's abysmal contribution to the Peoples Republic would be to pump water into the city itself in a Chinese 'everyone get out we're building a dam' vogue. This could be done quite simply by just ignoring the already feeble quay walls around Grenville Place, Sundays Well and through out the city centre.

FURTHER CENTRALISATION
During Fianna Fáil's reign their bungled decentralisation policy meant that more or less everything is centred around Dublin. To get a parking permit for Cork city you'll have to drive up to Drumcondra, for a bin bag you'll have to go to Dolphin's Barn and the Cork Jazz Festival will be held in venues through out Sallynoggin and Tallaght.

You can beat an aul arse joke.

EMMIGRATION
With over 1,000 young people leaving the country every week it would be hard for a government to outdo current levels of departure but moving all government departments to Sydney, Vancouver and Boston would be a new, and as of yet never achieved, low.

STANDING UP MONEY
Such was the wagon load of financial scandals during Fianna Fáil reign that the next shower will have to get into some serious book fiddling to be considered worse than the "I won it at the races" brigade.

Some new Dáil expenses might help surpass the old guard: €25.82 for each word in a speech, €50.78 for each nod of agreement, €22.46 shoe-wear-and-tare compensation for standing up when making a speech and €131.54 daily allowance for handkerchiefs (to absorb all the tears of laughter they're going to have earning it).

Note how it always add false credibility when politicians outrageous expenses are not rounded up figures - as if it somehow makes them seem more legitimate giving the impression that there's a serious mathematical formula behind each one!