Dating Agency Seeks North Cork Lads

3rd Oct 2013

All the single ladies of Kanturk and the wider Duhallow area can be quite a demanding bunch when it comes to choosing a man. With hundreds of Kanturkonian men heading to fight in armed revolutions in war torn Syria (the town takes it’s twining with Damascus way too seriously) and so many Duhallow men involved in long drawn out intercounty battles it can be difficult for local girls to find a match.

Millstreet girls waitin' for that carriage to come over the hill

Many of these women have been described by local journalists/bards as being “anxious for courtin’” and while the natural attraction between the sexes is certainly a contributing factor it is suspected that a lust for a neater tax bill upon marriage may also be behind demand. 

A committee (and don’t you dare pronounce that any other way than with full emphasis on the last syllable - comm-it-eeeee) set up to combat the shortage of virile young single men has issued an instruction leaflet to feisty young Duhallow wans to help them find a suitable candidate to father their children and potentially reduce their tax bills.

The committee’s instructions are well researched and have been synopsised as follows:

1. Head straight to Banteer
2. Proceed directly to the Athletic Sporting Hall
3. Hand your name in to the club committee.
4. Don’t give away as much as a sketch of your progress (to anyone)
5. Your date will then arrive over the hill from Kilcorney in a carriage.

It is noted by the committee that when they say not to declare a ‘sketch’ of your progress they are not just referring to a casual doodle on piece of scented notepaper that might hint at your situation - they are deadly serious – no tweeting, no facebook status updates and definitely no LOLing or smileys in text messages to close friends that might give away your progress. 

It is unclear who exactly is funding the match making scheme but PROC has performed a quality assurance check on those who occupy the carriages that come up to Duhallow from the south (‘carriage’ being the Duhallonian for ‘bus’).
 

Duhallow heart-throb Nash now wears headphones to block out the sonic-boom from his puck outs...and the screams of old dolls.

We are pleased to inform the ladies and their families that the men being laid on by the committee are bone fides Corkonians and certainly up to the tough task of pleasing Duhallow women. Many times over. 

A local Duhallow maiden who wished to remain anonymous said that she was anxious to find a man who would show sporting prowess particularly in Gaelic games. The bar set by Cork’s hurling goalkeeper Anthony Nash seems to be driving expectations higher than one of his monstrous puck outs.
 

Kanturk's Aidan Walsh: Duhallow ladies do a lot of thinking about that tongue

“My ideal man would be the type of fella who would be togging out for Cork against Tipp”, she fluttered, “he would hurl the ball left and right in their faces and really show those Tipperary boys hurlin’ and skill”.

Another young maiden from the Cloghroe area said her ideal specimen would be a Corkonian who excelled at the long jump to a very specific standard.
 

“I think the minimum any man of mine would have to be able to jump would be fifty-four feet”, she sighed, “AND he’d have to be able to do it without even taking off his braces”.

It also seems research showing that some girls secretly desire a “bad guy” is not far off the mark in the Kanturk and Boherbue areas.

A committee member has told PROC that one woman was totally overcome when she was told that her date had a criminal record.

“We told the girl that her match had a criminal record”, said the official, “for ‘outrageously breaking the peace’ for which he got a light sentence for causing commotion. She smiled, got a hot flush and collapsed”. 
 

Two sticks, one cup: what Duhallow girls wouldn't do get some of Lorcán.

While a “commotion” to most of us might imply a midnight brawl or doing something under a magazine on an aeroplane, in the Duhallow dialect of English a “commotion” can refer to a moment of significant passion in a ditch or dyke between, to use a Garda expression, “two individuals”.

There has also been an influx of women from outside Duhallow flocking to the area to seek men. A number of extremely wealthy women, some believed to be married, have been seen in the vicinity of the Banteer Athletic Sporting handing their names into the club’s committee.

“Many of these high powered rich women are unloved by their husbands and experience a lot of stress and pain”, said a spokeswoman for the club, “most of them refuse medical treatment for their condition believing that , just one squeeze from a local hero will cure their disease. We have a very high standard of man here in Duhallow and a squeeze from them works surprisingly well.”

 

'Cupid O'Sullivan will see you now'

So whether you want a man who spends his days ramblin’ and rovin, one who enjoys football and sportin’ or a husband who drinks black porter as fast as the bar staff can fill his glass then look no further than the jovial males of Duhallow. 

For more information interested individuals should ask for Thady Quill – you’ll get him in any pub in the Duhallow area.
 

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Duhallow District (North West Cork):

Ballydesmond
Banteer
Boherbue
Castlemagner
Cullen
Dromtarriffe
Freemount
Glenlara
Kanturk
Kilbrin
Kiskeam
Knocknagree
Lismire
Lyre
Millstreet
Meelin
Newmarket
Rockchapel
Tullylease