De Grads!

4th Sep 2003

DE GRADS
If you're in the city centre on a Thursday or Friday morning in the next few weeks you'll see droves of weary looking teenagers dragging themselves along the streets. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience that can have many unexpected twists. Here's our guide for nervous young Cork men who, before now, thought tuxedos were funny looking implements you could only buy in an adults shop…..

Gettin' Ready
Old dolls love picking out the dress and having a big fuss made of themselves but for the average feen shapin' up for something like this, it isn't exactly bread 'n' butter. Attempts to convince the aul lade that your white Air-Max with highlighted green velcro are fine with the tux are in vain. Its got to be those black pointy communion shoes. Don't worry every other feen will look just as stupid.

The Old Doll's gaf.
Obviously doing a doughnut outside the gate in your civic to let her know you've arrived will get you off on the bad foot. You want to give Daddy the impression that you really want to look after his precious little girl, ensuring her safety at all times and buying her batter-burgers on request. No better boy.

Flowers for herself AND the old lade (now you're talking) will get you off to good start. Watch your eyes because her auld fellah will be watching yours. If your chosen lady is displaying "more flesh" than you could have possibly hoped for don't stand there like a gowl gawking at her hooters right in front of her folks! Make up some rubbish about how pleased your folks were with your leaving results and barely look at the old doll's assets at all. You can accidentally spill wine on them later on.

The Meal and Speeches
It would be interesting to find out how many grads meals actually make it the whole way through the digestive system of their consumers. This is just the calm before the storm and you better like turkey and ham.

Teachers may be invited for a few hours and despite the hyper activity of most of your class-mates behaviour will be civilised as you all feel distinctly sophisticated in your gleaming tuxedo and a cigar wouldn't be out of place.

Speeches will mainly consist of waffle but it'll distract everybody enough so you can throw glances around the tables and suss out the talent and any exposed flesh nearby (ahem). Remember this is the time at which your "standards" will be highest. A good reference point.

Dancing At The Disco
Hopefully you've invited an Old Doll that doesn't get emotional after half a Bacardi Breezer. There's nothing worse than trying to enjoy yourself while she sobs out a story about her dog Floppy Cuddles who died when she was three, into your ear. Tell her you'll take her home but have a taxi ordered for the hotel and when she gets in do a legger.

You will be involved in various nonsensical games and photos which help you bring your dinner up. Piggy back Wrestle Mania will push the bouncers' patience to the limit resulting in the eight slow set of the night to calm everyone down.

Bowling
By now most of the old dolls will have had an emotional overload or will be suffering from feminine fatigue so the task of finding the best bowler will be down to the lads. Of course the rules will change now that everyone has been drinking for over 8 hours but who's looking for consistency at 4am?

A queue will form at one corner of the bowling alley as contestants' line up to try their luck at "Cross-Lane Bowling" - the objective: to get the ball across as many lanes as possible. Other games such as running down the alley trying to knock the pins down with your body can lead to broken limbs and you may risk sobering up if you're sent to hospital (don't forget to take the nagin out of your pocket before you go sliding). Bringing bowling balls out onto the street to hit lamp-posts and ESB boxes is not to be condoned.

Breakfast
There's usually a few hours to waste between the bowling and breakfast but there's no copping out now. You're grads are not over until you've had a big dirty fry up at one of the city's finest grease merchants. Mmmm cider and sausages.

By midday you can consider your day over…..and your childhood. On the bus home you realise that instead of the lovely black suit you borrowed from your uncle you're now wearing a puke encrusted tux jacket (in white) complete with red wine stains and fag burns.

Much to the pleasure of your fellow passengers the greasy fry meets the remains of a night's drinking in your bowls to produce obnoxious gases that a hippopotamus would be proud of. As you sit blissfully unaware of the health hazard you've concocted, you may ponder what lies ahead as a young Cork man in the 21st century. College? Job? Work for public service? House? Unrealistic loans? Gigantic mortgages? Prison? Big decisions indeed. Don't be too ambitious right now though, in fairness, just getting the uncle's tux sorted will be good work. Have fun.