Declan Kidneys Next Move

23rd Mar 2009

Kidney's Next Move
Alan Ger

After one good Corkman comes another. Declan Kidney put together the final pieces of the puzzle that Eddie O'Sullivan came so close to finishing last Saturday as Ireland's rugby team claimed the Grand Slam. The new coach's annoyingly humble press conferences and diplomatic interviews where he continually off-loads credit to those below him have become legendary.

Hippo head couldnt believe it when Kidney submitted the plan

Without doubt Kidney has done Cork incredibly proud, showing that we Corkonians are always humble in victory (most of the time anyway) but where to now for a man capable of such greatness?

Here we take a few guesses at where he might end up, what he'll achieve and of course, what he might say at those infamous understated press conferences along the way….

Deccie as Minister for Finance
Using your experience as an accounting teacher you solved the banking crisis and kick started the Irish economy into action. How did you do it?

Deccie might say: Those who went before me obviously played an enormous part in setting up the challenge and that has to be acknowledged. We're grateful for the work of those who tried to stop the banks collapsing but also those who hid vast amounts of money in directors' loans. Without their performances we wouldn't be here today.

Kidney was always more comfortable in a red jersey

Deccie as Liberator of Tibet
Question: You've finally out done the Dalai Lama and liberated Tibet from China. How did you do it?

Deccie might say: First of all I'd like to thank the Chinese government for giving us the opportunity to talk to them. I've always known them to be committed to their country and that's what you would expect from a team at the top of their game. Talks lasted eighty minutes and every minute is as important as the next. The result is crucial too of course and that's what we're here today to celebrate.

Deccie as Supreme Spiritual Leader
You managed to convince Jesus to come down from heaven to visit earth once again. How does it feel to be so close to God?

Deccie might say: We needed to focus on our belief and team spirit to achieve the goals set out by those who went before us. We got fellas to front up and take a long hard look at themselves at Christmas time and to focus on the positives and negatives. Obviously it was a positive to have Jesus here to clarify a few points for us but we won't be allowing guys to get carried away with themselves. Heaven would be a nice place to end up but there's a lot of hard work to be done before that.

Kidney saves the polar bears

Deccie Fixes Global Warming
It looked like global warming would destroy planet earth, you set yourself the challenge of doing a PhD in applied chemistry in four weeks and have come up with a new solvent to get rid of CO2 in the atmosphere. You must feel fantastic!

Deccie might say: Whether we like it or not the two oxygen atoms and the carbon atom worked hard to form a bond and we must also acknowledge the hard work done by the electrons keeping them together too. It was just a matter of working harder than our opponents. We might have saved a few lives now but it's vital that we don't get carried away with ourselves in case the planet gets too cold and that's something we'll have to look at too.

Deccie The Movie
What does it feel like to walk up the red carpet to see a movie about your life?

Deccie might say: Without doubt when you achieve something it feels positive and that drives you on to the next task but I haven't got here by myself and so many people have played a part in getting me here including the taxi driver, the taxi cab manufacturers and those who built the roads that allowed us all to get here. They all deserve enormous credit.

Give the Cork man any goal and he's likely to achieve it

Deccie as Secretary of the Cork GAA County Board
You've achieved the unthinkable and appointed a hurling coach that has got widespread approval of all Cork people, players, clubs and county board delegates, how did you do it?

Deccie might say: I've never met anyone who didn't want the best for their team and using that belief was really just a matter of talking to people to see what they wanted. I'm just here to help everybody achieve their goals and to allow them to get the best out of themselves. Making sure everybody's voice is heard is what creates a happy camp.

Deccie Finds Life on Mars
After centuries of speculation and many failed missions you achieved the unthinkable. Everyone wants to know how you found life on Mars…

Deccie might say: I think we just weren't looking in the right places all along. We all agreed that we didn't want to be in the wrong places finding the wrong things so we decided we would go to the right places instead and find the right things. We need to thank the Martians also for the part they played in firing laser beams at us. When a side raises their game you must be up to the task and that's ultimately what we did.