Dream Job: Drive Around Cork All Day

10th Dec 2018

With demand for public transport increasing Bus Éireann are offering men and women of this city and county, the joy of driving around their beloved Cork and be paid for it.

Are you enthusiastic, responsible, pure Cork and have an ability to badly whistle the same tune over and over again for hours on end whilst trying not to turn crazed cyclists into oily sandwiches? Then this job may be for you so read on, sham.

Driving Us Around the Bend
Being in command of a such a large cumbersome vehicle requires a lot of skill especially in the middle of some county towns, bendy country roads and on the city’s narrow streets. You’ve officially achieved the bus driver’s equivalent of a black belt when you can successfully swing a city-bound bus from Bandon Road into St. Finbarr’s Road – one of the world’s most awkward junctions.
 

Perk and ride: random days off to have the craic around the bus station.

On your way to this level of bus driving mastery you will have passed various other tests – like being able to patiently negotiate your vehicle down the Blackrock Road in Ballintemple and its never-ending lines of rugby-mom SUVs who clog up the area bringing Nathaniel and Gulliver to their early morning junior cup gym session.

Braking News
Part of being a top Cork bus driver is delivering local breaking news to passengers quicker than any media outlet: an oil spill in Buttevant caused by a loose ostrich, a trawler in Kinsale head butted by a blue whale, or just the starting fifteen John Meyler is going to put out in the first round of the league on the last Sunday of January – even though it’s still December.

Stairway to Heaven
If a passenger has been rude when paying their fare, then there’s no better way to get your revenge, unofficially of course, than taking off violently just as they reach the top of your double-decker’s stairs. Hupyaboya.

Cyclist Roulette
There are increasingly more and more bikes on the roads of our city and county. Many cyclists are well behaved but some behave like they really want to be scraped off your windshield – scooting past red lights, zipping through dangerous junctions at high speed without a helmet and appearing to want to be part of some covert army stealth unit by dressing head to toe in black.
 

Drivers earn double time for entertaining your passengers.

And that’s just the insane take-away delivery crowd. Add in gloomy winter evenings and some wild Atlantic rain and you’ve got your work cut out for you trying to not accidentally turn Cork’s bikers into oily pancakes.

You Get Pana All To Yourself
As a Cork bus driver you get Cork’s favourite street all to yourself between 3.30pm and 6.30pm seven days a week. For a whole three hours you get to enjoy a complete lack of private cars clogging up the street, double parked outside a random shop, wrecking your buzz. Is there a better job in the world?

King of the Road
OK, you do have to share Pana with unpredictable, often short tempered taxi drivers who think indicator lights were only something used for driving behind marching Nordies in July. But do remember that your vehicle weighs a lot more than theirs and if it comes to a death match you’d crush them like a Macroom elephant stepping on a Kerry snail.

The Wheels On The Bus
Oh and by the way, are you good for a song? At a minimum Cork bus drivers are required to be able to whistle the catchy chorus of one song, preferably out of tune, repeatedly for the entire time it takes to get from the bus station to Glengarriff.

Stop Anywhere
On country routes you have to stop wherever passengers ask you to but, in the city on manky wet days don’t you dare tell that dear old passenger in her eighties that you won’t stop right outside her house on the Lough Road or you’ll have a passenger mutiny on your hands.

The Big Huff
All bus drivers must go through a ‘huff and tut’ training course to learn how to react correctly to passengers who hand them fifty euro notes for a €2.70 fare. This will involve you having to reach under your standard-issue navy pullover and into your shirt for the wad of notes for this inconsiderate langball of a passenger. The groan of pain you expel will make them think twice about ever committing this heinous crime again.