Drunken Texts and the Morning After

7th May 2004

Those Drunken Texts
Danny Elbow

The advent of texting has brought a huge change in the way most of us communicate. We are now in contact with each other far more often than we used to and there are huge benefits to the average feen. For example there might be a daycint Fiat Punto on Grand Parade with a giant spoiler and ultra-violet lights cruising 'round that you might want to notify your posse about so you can lust or laugh at.


It's said that teenagers and adults in their early twenties are now using their thumbs far more in every day life than ever before because of texting. We spend so much time tapping away at the phone buttons that our thumb muscles have developed far more than those of older generations. Notice how many people now turn on switches with their thumbs instead of their index fingers!

Like most forms of technology texting is not without its faults and disadvantages though. Trying to direct a load of your biys to go on a whooly in some gaf you've rented in West Cork could be sorted out much easier with a simple phone call rather than thirty short texts back and forth. Similarly organising a casual soccer match can be mayhem with up to 25 people texting each other to make sure there's the exact number of players. Phone companies lap up your cash while you try to undo the spiralling confusion.

SMS has changed many peoples lives particularly those who are little shy when it comes to talking on the phone. You can take as long as you want to think about what exactly you are going to say avoiding any slip of the tongue.

This can be useful when there is tension between two biys over an old doll for example. If Jason "half" scored with Samantha on Saturday night in the taxi just after his best friend Sully scored with her in the club a simple text can be used to defuse the situation. "Stry. yer 1 lobbd the gob@me in taxi." And no doubt if they are good friends he will receive "ntabddr" (not a bother). This immediately cuts out any half truth rumours that might be circling in Sully's social scene the following day and avoids Jason having to make a very awkward phone call or face to face confession.

Like many things when a feen is out on a Saturday night after a few pints he can get a bit emotional from time to time. Especially if he's twiddling his thumbs in the pub looking for a bit of action and getting none. Old doll wise that is. By the time the bouncers in the club are suggesting you "right folks please" out the door the combination of alcohol and mobile phones can be disastrous.

If you've been mobile for a few years you will have sizeable collection of numbers in your phone book. Many of them female. As you sit in the taxi rank 78th in the queue the temptation to send texts can be overwhelming and can relieve some of the boredom. Bleary eyed you flick down through your phone book inevitably come across the number of someone of the opposite sex who you haven't seen in a while but suddenly decide you "kinda fancy". Although she has a face like a bucket of frogs she's got not nice legs but the alcohol in your brain conveniently blocks out the frogs and emphasises the lovely legs. Mmmmm.

Peoples Republic has often highlighted the rarely discussed difficulties caused by alcohol in changing our perception of beauty. Somebody who we see sober might score 3 out of 10 but after a few drinks, a little make-up, some cleavage and a short skirt: suddenly she's a 10 out of 10! Drink companies need to carry warnings on their products about this.

If you get lucky with her you can guarantee the physical distress of your hangover will be greatly magnified by the emotional distress of the position you now find yourself in. 1 message received: "tnx 4 last night & 4 invitation to ure friends party. Looking fwd to Friday already!". Oh dear.

But this isn't really what we're concerned about. When you don't score and are armed with a mobile phone the soap opera can be far more dramatic. As you look across the taxi rank and see a couple five years younger than you gazing into each others' eyes as they dribble and force feed each other curry chips you become quietly jealous. You think you really need a girlfriend. Oh how you'd love some old doll lovingly pushing mushypeas into your drooling mouth.



Now you hear some soppy love song like Sine·d O'Connor's "Nothing Compared to You" playing on the radio in the rank. You need love and you need it fast.

Do you have any potential girlfriend candidates? Well you're a bit shy so shuffling over to some drunk wan waiting for a cab is beyond you. Texts!

Your phonebook is the always first stop. Then you come across "Assumpta - Acc." . Oh yeah yer one from accounts! She'd do. Time to send her a text!

Being alphabetically first in phone books people whose names beginning with "A" seem to get these texts all the time not too mention all the handbagging*.

On Sunday mornings misfortunate Alisons, Assumptas and Andreas receive these "love" texts. Checking the "sent time" there is the suggestions that 5:08am is hardly the time to ask somebody out for a drink. 1 message received "Hey Assumpty. Bumpy bumpy. Haven't seen u in a while at work. We sud go drinky some nite. Call u 2mrw. Xxx".

Cringing embarrassing messages like this will of course make their way from the old dolls phone to each of her friends for manic Sunday morning text discussion. Will he ring?! Will it be awkward at work? Will I change my surname when I get married? What will I wear? Will I get fat? Etc.

Meanwhile Jason is lying in bed nursing an excruciating hangover having no recollection of sending late night texts until one of the lads from the office whose just got wind of it decides to rub it in. 1 message received "heard uve got the hots for Assumpta in accounts". Oh God! It all comes flooding back. The stomach churns and its time to make another mouth-bursting run for the bathroom'