English Market and Anyone With Surname 'English' to be Taken Back to London after Brexit Vote

10th Jun 2016

A spokesperson for Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace has said that Cork's English Market will have to be packed up and taken to London if Great Britain votes to leave the European Union on June 23rd. 

In a statement released through the reputable British newspaper 'The Daily Express' today (which comes with a free toll of EU toilet paper and a Union Jack tattoo) the British state will need to reclaim property or people it believes it has lent to European Union states like Ireland.  

"The English Market is clearly ours as it has our name on it and we will be bound to unlend it to Thee City of Corke should voters decide to leave the disasterous money-eating garlic munching immigrant-loving cesspit in Brussels", said the statement. 
 

Herself after picking up a half-pound of O'Flynn's sausages during a visit to the English Market in 2011

The surprise annoucement goes on to indicate that people by the surname of 'English' will also be taken back and "resettled on the mainland".  

Cobh's Eddie English, Irish/Cork Examiner journalist Eoin English and Tipperary hurling legend Nicky English are among those who will be taken back if Britain decides to leave Ireland.

It is unclear whether people with the surname "Walsh" will be repatriated but anyone pronouncing their name as "Welsh" will be resettled immediately in specially dedicated areas around Swansea and Cardiff. 

Cork English Academy, which allows Cork people to learn how to be more English, will be given extra funding from London to expand its services to include football fan chanting, ale appreciation classes and courses in social pigeon holing - the ability to immediately slot anyone into one of two categories: working class or middle class. 
 

Cobh's Eddie English who will be taken back to Britain should there be a Brexit vote