'Everyone Up Carrauntuohill' Says Government

12th Feb 2014

A secret document seen by this website has shown that the government may suggest that the entire country moves to  – Ireland’s highest mountain  Carrauntuohill in Co. Kerry- very shortly as the state becomes engulfed in floods.

Record levels of rain have soaked many of the country’s towns and cities and officials are now debating what action should be taken in the long run as global warming promises more-of-the-same for low lying urban areas built next to rivers.
 

Communities like this one will be housed on Carrantuohill as long as they have paid their property tax

It is understood that planning permission has been granted for a series of new towns to be built on the famous Kerry slopes and surrounding mountain ranges as well as a number of quays and slipways half way down the mountains to allow the docking of ships and jet-skis.

Carrauntuohill’s new residents will eat grass, stones and Dutch hitchhikers as part of a rebalanced diet and it is believed water levels will stay below the south Kerry peak until least summer 2018 guaranteeing Ireland its existence for at least another four years. 
 

The flood is coming. Get up t'f**k.

While high density apartment blocks are urgently required to fit all 4.5 million citizens onto the mountain some difficulty has arisen as Kerry County Council insist on their preference for traditional bland grey bungalows.

“Blotting the beautiful landscape with awful unpainted drab bungalows and large unsightly unused trampolines from farming coops is part of our heritage”, said Daingain Ó Chuis a local planner and Fianna Fáil councillor, “if everyone is moving to Kerry you’ll have to play by our rules”.
 

Dutch climbers like this will be 'collected' and turned into carvery

This may also mean the ending of Ireland’s growing diverse food culture.

“We don’t want any of these fancy quare restaurants and tings”, he barked loudly, “it’ll be carvery in the middle of the day and ye’ll be thankful for it”.

Dublin natives, many of whom have never been outside the capital, will be moved to Carrauntuohill in special decompression chambers that will slowly introduce the smell of the countryside to them whilst providing complimentary sick bags.