Fantasy Tribunals

30th Mar 2011

Now that the Moriarty Tribunal has finished up heaping dishonour on yet another Tipperary person we look at other scandalous decisions affecting Cork that deserve a tribunal of their own.

The Pyramid Schemes of 2006

Appropriate for the year that the Celtic Tiger peaked many Corkonians were lured by the prospect of get-rich-quick pyramid schemes that spread across West Cork. The irony at the time was that while the Fianna Fáil led government warned against such devious money making rackets they were marshalling their own giant pyramid scheme also known as the Irish economy. Just like those in West Cork, no banker or politician has been brought to justice for the ransacking of the public purse – walking (like Egyptians) into the sunset. 

PROC verdict: Lock ‘em up! Just like former President Mubarak, anything that comes with an Egyptian tag that looks tempting should have a warning on it: what goes around comes around.

Walk like a Rosscarbarian

Death By Debt

Dublinis rammed full of tourists at the moment so you’d think Cork city centre would be choc-a-block with them too. Because of the unreasonableness of the Dublin Airport Authority (DAA) who ruled Cork’s runways and new terminal with an oppressive iron first, the Rebel County has been saddled with ludicrous debt forcing it to keep landing charges high to make the repayments. The result? Airlines can’t risk laying on flights to Cork from many destinations so Dublin conveniently gets the bulk of tourist dosh. A classic political Irish stroke.
 

PROC verdict: Dubs guilty on all counts. Force the closure of Dublin Airport for five years (possibly by throwing bangers into the volcano in Iceland) to make up the balance of payments lost by Cork. All arriving ferry passengers at Dublin and Dun Laoighre ports here for tourism purposes to be bussed directly to Cork.

Dublin Airport chaos as tens of thousands of tourists understandably try to get out of Dublin

The Long Grass Final

Having crucified almost all opposition from early 2004 until late 2006 the Cork hurlers were on the cusp of achieving an historic three-in-a-row based on a fast possession-based running game. The only thing that could have stopped them would have been someone with enough power within the organisation to prevent the grass from being cut before the All-Ireland final against Kilkenny.

GAA President Nicky Brennan was in charge at the time. Many will remember his smug mug as he presented the Liam McCarthy cup to his native county – smiling gleefully at the losing Cork hurlers huddled together barely visible in the virtual jungle below.

PROC verdict: Replay the final with the exact same players regardless of whether they are injured or have retired. The way Kilkenny are going in the league, we should be sure of correcting history with justice made from leather and ash.

Cork hurlers struggle to find each other in the Croke Park long grass jungle death trap final in September 2006. A cute Lowry-esque stroke that deprived Cork of 3-in-row

The Nationalisation of Sir Henry’s
Why wasn’t this important critical institution taken into state ownership when its doors closed? Anglo Irish Bank, AIB and Bank of Ireland are believed to be of “systemic importance” to the nation yet Henry’s was clearly the best club in Europe and the darling of UK dance journalists who were mesmerised by its uplifting incendiary atmosphere.

Its importance to Ireland’s cool-credibility was far more important than just “systemic” especially with the embarrassing swathe of 140bpm terror-techno clubs in Dublin. Despite the opulence of government finances at the time the club was scandalously not safeguarded from the threat of being replaced with faceless, cultureless, bland apartments which never materialised anyway.

PROC verdict: Henry’s fans should club together to buy the derelict site to build a tribute to the club called Sir Henry’s Mausoleum providing much needed local employment. Specially chosen guides (the male ones will be topless and caked in sweat for authenticity) could steer tourists through the reconstructed club teaching them chants like ‘everybody be somebody!’ and passing around warm bottles of Carling XL.

Mickey Biscuits laments the closing of Henrys in 2004. He may throw his CV in the ring if a mausoleum is built.

A Casual Hex on The Cineplex
Washington D.C. has Capitol Hill while Cork has Washington Street and The Capitol Cinema. The famous cineplex was the subject of the Sultan’s of Ping’s debut album entitled ‘Casual Sex in the Cineplex’ which included chart topping classics such as ‘Where’s Me Jumper’.

For over six years the cineplex has lain idle and bear with gaudy advertising hoardings the only occasional aesthetic change. An advert for “The Defenders”, the offshoot of Hollywood star and Cork native Cillian Murphy’s band, at the 2005 jazz festival is still emblazoned across the front where the names of new films to be shown were posted every Friday evening.

PROC verdict: a crying shame to see this highly visible pinnacle building rotting before our eyes. Somebody do something!

Saipangate
Ironically an investigation was carried out that vindicated Roy Keane after the controversy at the 2002 World Cup but to this day children outside Cork are still being spun the lie that “Roy walked out on his country” when all records and accounts show he was sent home by Mick McCarthy.

Somehow the horrendous boos issued to Keane upon his return under Brian Kerr managed to perpetuate the myth that the FAI had been the victim and not the Cork man.

PROC verdict: Add an additional two lines to Amhrán na bhFiann correcting this unforgiveable effort to rewrite history. And disband the blundering money-hungry FAI of course.

Main drainage signage on George's Quay in 2004

The Main Drainage Scheme

The pimp-my-pipes project began in 1998 with infuriating traffic disruption around the city (a thread on our forums called ‘Main Drainage Location of the Week’ ran for years chronicling the disruption) but those commanding the deafening arsenals of heavy machinery didn’t announce a ceasefire until well into 2004 - when a final push for the 2005 celebrations finally put a deadline on the works. During the unforgettable period of relentless noise and disruption Corkonians became suspicious that more than just giant pipes for sewerage were being embedded into our streets.

PROC verdict: an investigative team needs to rule out the possibility of a secret underground transport system used by city and county councillors to bypass traffic and generate extra expenses for mileage. Either that or it’s the world’s biggest wine cellar.