Festival Heads 2006

3rd Jul 2006

Festival Heads
Danny Elbow

County Colours

Take note of the Wicklow county colours: Not much to smile about - the poor bastards haven't won a championship game since 1602.

At such mass gatherings of young Irishmen like at our summer music festivals it is a welcome opportunity for those from unsuccessful sporting counties to proudly display their unknown county colours.

While you'll see plenty Cork, Kilkenny, Dublin, Tipp and Galway jerseys you'll find heads spinning when somebody from Sligo, Wicklow, Leitrim, Longford or Carlow struts the mucky festival catwalk. So rare are sightings of these colours that many will be intrigued by the sight and it's a great way to start a bit of banter in the various queues for beer, food, toilets etc.

We would advise Corkonians to be particularly sensitive to those from counties whom the Cork hurling team has destroyed in the last 2-3 years. Nerve ends will be short among those from the Banner and from Galway whose humiliation at the hands of Cork hurlers will be still quite fresh in their minds. Patronise them with talk of things looking up for their county and that you heard there's some great "young players coming through".

The beer monster spends most of the festival trying to find his tent and remembering his friends names. He may also wear wacky shades.

The Beer Monster
Started gatting on his way to the festival and consumes nothing but beer until he leaves. He is already "well known" to members of St. John's Ambulance and other first aiders who patrol the festival grounds searching for casualties. Paramedics rub suncream on the beer monster's already sizzling skin hoping there will be one less complication for doctors when he's admitted to casualty later that week with liver failure.

The beer monster spends most of his festival experience in a horizontal position either in his tent or at the edge of a crowd, usually completely unconscious. The most important thing for him to achieve is to be able to say with sincerity the following week: "best weekend ever" to his work mates. This, despite the fact that he can't remember hearing or God forbid seeing a single band or DJ during the entire festival.

Pill Heads
Usually wearing a Dublin jersey or just completely topless these heads are initially identifiable by their silly tattoos. Whatever about cute Chinese symbols or small little flowers around the belly button having HUSTLER in giant size Old English font across one's entire upper back and shoulder blades is just plain thick.

These 'heads' are usually found less than a few inches from the sound system of the tent wherever the most aggressive hard house or techno is being pumped out and thankfully don't bother anybody until the end of the festival when whatever drugs their on start to run out. The chances of seeing them pogo-ing to Franz Ferdinand or Snow Patrol at the foot of the main stage are extremely low.

Irish hippies: Forty Coats meets Hector with dreadlocks.

Hippies
Music festivals for hippies are like All Ireland's for GAA fans. Since music festivals got 'quirky' these arty types have been coming by the camper van load. Reiki healers, reflexologists and tents with titles likes 'Holistic Haven' that play reggae are where you'll find these unhygienic but relatively harmless individuals.

They congregate in groups, don't like people who wear branded clothing and engage in world-changing conversations about the latest scented candles or the government's unwillingness "to stop the birds of war landing at Shannon'