Forest Chump

19th Mar 2013

Flogging Our Forests

As part of the troika deal the government is seriously considering the idiotic proposal to sell our forests to private companies. Cork has over thirty forests including the much loved Farran Woods that may be flogged to any giant corporate with enough cash. Despite panicky reassurances from Simon Coveney and the government about access rights, we just don’t believe them.

A similarly ridiculous proposal in Britain was dropped when hundreds of thousands of people signed an online petition against the move (there's an Irish one here). Aside from the excuse-making about EU competition it’s the sale of the family silver to pay off a smidgen of the debt lobbed on our shoulders with our beautiful forests that really sticks in the gut.

A group enjoying the forest in Ballyhoura clearly contributing nothing to the IMF

This act smells like a desperate drug addict robbing his own family to pay off his debt dealing master. If they’re prepared to go ahead with this we look at what else might be coming down the tracks…

Waterway Windfall
Privatising our lakes and loughs would surely generate enough cash to sort out at least one interest payment to the troika. What’s the point in having the Lough and the Atlantic Pond just sitting there if they’re not turning over a few quid to hand over to our overlords in the IMF?

All those cuddly ducks and elegant white swans lazing about in the shallows all day could be harvested and sold to abattoirs and anyone bringing bread to feed the birds could be charged a “supplementary sustenance levy” by the new private owners (under the premise that it interferes with competition for food between the birds themselves) which would generate bucket loads of cash to ship to the ECB’s money vaults.

The cold wind of capitalism blows on Leeside

Overweight birds could be replaced by more gaunt swans and ducks from less well off countries who would provide more value for money – perhaps performing tricks for human visitors – and any pond that freezes over would immediately be licensed to an ice skating company who would charge the pubic fees to set foot on them.

Privatising Emergency Services
Millions of euro are wasted every year by fire crews saving buildings from burning down – why bother? Under the auspices of consumer choice and competition the EU should privatise this “business” once and for all so that the public have a choice of fire brigade to attend their personal emergency.

Getting paid for ambulance and fire brigade call outs is a big problem for the government so when you ring 999 the first question from the operator should be whether you would like to pay by visa or laser card.

This will allow “competition” in the market place so you can either choose a budget basement option that will only provide you with advice over the phone on how to best abandon your inferno or the luxury five star option that will provide a fire crew made up of local washed up D-list celebrities who will sign autographs in fire extinguisher foam on the black walls of your charred house and pose for photographs with devastated children to take the edge off their traumatic experience.

Liam didnt have his credit card close enough to hand.

The company running the service will also offer you extras such as selling your story to the media from which they make a cut. This will involve sending a camera crew to the scene who will immediately upload footage to Youtube under the title of “Best Chip Pan Fail of 2013” etc.

This will be a handy source of income for the government to help wine and dine the IMF lads when they come to town.

Sell Off Our Schools
Selling off the entire education system would result in a huge gain for the IMF. No longer would ministers have to deal with ramshackle schools made from pre-fabs and their cranky over-paid teachers demanding unreasonable salaries and smaller classes.

A sizeable income could be generated by private companies charging children to enter class each day, fining them for behavioural misdemeanours (€5 for incomplete homework, €10 for speaking out of turn) and fitting each desk with a set of pedals connected to the school’s dynamo which would sell electricity to the national grid.

Pedals under school desks could provide a
healthy revenue stream to keep the troika happy

To open up the system to the so-called ‘competition’ much loved by the EU, Ireland’s allegedly over-paid teachers would be replaced by minimum wage workers from the Urals equipped with smartphones who would communicate with students through Google translate.

To maximise efficiency, schools would run 24 hours a day so low paid teachers can work through out the night with pupils from less well off families who have selected the cheaper night time off-peak schooling option. Parents on their way out to work will often pass their jaded bleary eyed children in the hallway as they come in from a tough night learning algebra.

Outsourcing Our Children
Every country needs to continually replenish its population or it will go out of existence. Children consume a huge amount of their parents’ time and many give up work in order to dedicate their life to raising their smallies. This results in reduced profits for the companies they work for and needs to be addressed so we can pay off the debts racked up by the Fianna Fáil government.

This young fella just found out he's going to be
"grown" by a company in Bulgaria.

In order to increase national productivity parents should have to pay a child-rearing levy or face having to put their children’s upbringing into the free market where private companies could bid to do complete the task.

In fairness parents raring their children for free is not fair on private companies, banks and financial gamblers who need to make as much money as possible to take over the world.