Frank Murphy to Get 350 Year Contract

18th Nov 2015

It has been revealed that Cork County Board executive secretary Frank Murphy is currently in negotiating a new 350 year contract with Cork GAA.

The Blackrock man has been in charge of Cork GAA since 1180 A.D. and has successfully overseen several controversies in recent centuries including several player strikes and the transforming of the county’s premier stadium Páirc Úi Chaoimh into a pile of rubble.

In 2009 it was announced that Mr. Murphy would step down within a year but this was said to be a bluff to test the loyalties of club representitives. Delays in construction are said to be in part down to the lack of body bags available for disloyal members of the county board, many of whom may be buried under the new stands along with their "attitudes". 
 

The Frank Stare: it is unknown whether the person who took this photograph is still alive.

Leaks have suggested that contract negotiations are “flying along” as Mr. Murphy is discussing details only with himself – this unique method of contract talks is said to be extremely efficient and results in far shorter debates.

It was reported earlier this month that Mr. Murphy is said to have briefly fallen out with himself after demanding an extra one hundred and fifty years on the contract which would see him ruling Cork GAA until his 1,200^th birthday.

This was quickly resolved however through a tried-and-tested negotiating tactic well known to GAA club representatives in Cork called DWFS (do what Frank says). The contract was immediately extended to include the period requested and as is normal for the secretary’s salary, it will be kept top secret.

A number of challenges now await Mr. Murphy – none bigger than trying to figure out how to raise funds to try to rebuild the county’s stadium after much of it that was due to remain standing was also knocked down - a metaphor, some might say, for the on-field success, or lack of it, for the county’s senior teams.

Leaks from the county board executive indicate that the main approach will be to “talk up Páirc Úi Rinn as a fantastic replacement” and that “fellas were getting carried away with themselves talking about centres of excellence” as well as “what about the poor ducks in the Atlantic pond?”.

It is believed the board are also putting a lot of faith in the much maligned “mushroom theory” that suggests that a new Páirc Uí Chaoimh will just pop up overnight with no investment whatsoever – much like intercounty standard hurlers did over the decades. A letter has been sent to Bishop John Buckley requesting prayers for the stadium’s miraculous resurrection.

Other major goals for Mr. Murphy’s 350 year tenure include deciding on which players from which clubs should be included in the senior football and hurling squads next year, what “tactics” should be played if any in each championship match and what the “managers” should say to the media afterwards.


For further reading check out this 2009 article on Frank Murphy's "resignation"
http://www.rte.ie/sport/gaa/2009/0903/254227-cork/