Funbathing

8th Aug 2007

Funbathing
Alan Ger

The weather this summer means that going to the beach you should pack your Arran sweater as well as your sun cream as the chances of getting flu are certainly far greater than sunstroke. But fear not because Rebels are still turning up in their hundreds to Cork beaches every day and are adapting to the dodgy weather with the steely determination of artic explorers, determined to enjoy their summer no matter what Mother Nature throws at them.

Funbathers still balming out at half six

Would you believe us if we told you that there were hundreds of people on Inchadoney beach last Sunday despite the scytsophrenic weather? Probably not but it's true, you could hardly get a parking spot with the crowds who mainly consisted of 'funbathers' - people who go to the beach for reasons other than desperately trying to bronze themselves up.

Funbathers and their accompanying beach regalia have quickly evolved to counteract the unpredictable elements of the summer so you no longer have to sit at home watching some drip on Met Eireann talk about the rows of low pressures lining up in the Atlantic. Instead, with a few additions to the contents of your car boot you can spend hours on Cork's beaches…

BREEZE BUFFER
Possibly one of the niftiest inventions ever made for beach goers is the traditional windbreaker which not only shields your pasty white body from shivering winds but when combined with a big umbrella makes the ultimate emergency shelter in the event of a sudden downpour.

They're easy to set up, even with a hangover and unlike beaches abroad there are no charges on Cork beaches for setting up your own personal fortress so you can make it as extensive as you like. There's nothing to stop you erecting three or four wind breakers around your spot to stay toasty.

The main problem however is that windbreakers are traditionally very difficult to track down and buy in Cork for some bizarre reason. If you can get your hands on one though, the wind is no longer your enemy.

Tents are the new thing while metal detector geeks comb the beach for old coins, fag butts and condoms.

RAIN RESISTANCE
The latest trend on Cork beaches are light two man tents. Inchadoney was full of them last weekend and foreign tourists can be seen scratching their heads in wonder as they pass locals and their ridiculously large beach campus. Why zoo zey all 'ave zeez tents on ze beach?

As soon as there's a shower they all get it though! While foreign tongues curse the temperamental Irish weather and cower under light towels and flimsy newspapers, smiling locals peer at them from the zipped up doorways of their tents. There's a lot to be said for investing in property Paddy!

Some continue playing cards or reading inside their cosy domes waiting for the shower to pass, and the hyperactive arms of young children can be seen digging at the doorstep of their nylon shelters refusing to let the weather hinder their hectic construction work.

Meanwhile the misfortunate unprepared tourists remain tortured with trying to decide whether to make a run for their car or continue to shield themselves from the elements. With a beach tent the rain is no longer your enemy.

SOLDIERING AGAINST THE SEA
Another sight which might have surprised visitors to Cork beaches last weekend were the size of the crowds willing to brave the seas. Lifeguards might have thought the dodgy weather would allow them to put their feet up this summer but at Cork's blue flag beaches they're busier than ever with wet suited smallies pouring into the waves for hours on end oblivious to any downpours, sea breezes and other associated chills.

Underneath my um-ber-ella, ella, ella, ella, fella..

Even on a day with sunny spells a parent might expect to get fifteen minutes of peace while their kids play around in the shallows. A few icy waves around the back of the neck and a force six northerly gale would have any Corkonian running for the sanctity of his beach towel but these days with affordable wetsuits all the rage, parents have copped that their investment in insulated swim wear keeps their siblings occupied for far longer.

Instead of hopping around whinging about ice cream or being bored of making sandcastles and secret tunnels for people to fall into, smallies remain content with the infinite pleasures of the seashore, leaving their folks to balm out without a constant piercing nag in their ear.

CLOUD COVER
Despite the manky weather this summer there doesn't seem to be a shortage of good tans especially among female Corkonians. Suspiciously though, we seem to be missing those tomato red sunburned souls who always raise a few horrified eyebrows with their combination of over-enthusiasm for weekend sunshine and plain stupidity.

Even after adapting to the inclement weather conditions at our beaches if you're not satisfied with what sunshine is bestowed upon you, you can always purchase a bottle of fake tan and happily immerse yourself in its contents. If anyone asks how you got such a fabulous tan, you can tell them that you've "been at the beach all summer". It won't be a lie.

Resisting the bad summer has never been easier.