Gentrify Your Feenhood

1st Feb 2008

Gentrify Your Feenhood
Danny Elbow

Check out our guide to pushing yourself up Cork's competitive social ladder and get your photo published in more parish newsletters than your neighbours…

Nothing is straight forward with the French.

Gettin' Cultural - French Film Festival
We have the Huguenot Quarters and baguettes so why not a film festival for French enthusiasts too. It kicks off on Saturday March 1st and runs for eight days. Don't expect fast moving Hollywood action however, the French are into things like ten minute scenes of semi-nude middle aged women smoking cigarettes in silent apartments. You've got to look deeper…apparently.

If you want to impress herself then this is the event to wine, dine and see some of the best shows French cinema has to offer. Be warned though - just because it's a festival in Cork doesn't mean that the buzz is the same as the jazz or the Marquee.

If you're expecting a week of pub based shouty craic and sloppy chicken suppers, you may find yourself being observed via the end of some very turned up French noses blowing cigarette smoke in zee general direction of your person.

On: Thurs 28th Feb - Fri 7th March
Lamp: www.corkfrenchfilmfestival.com

Reviving the Gaeilge - Club Daon-Phoblacht
The Irish Free State government has failed you by forcing you through a language tuition system that would be still more at home in De Valera's Ireland than modern cosmopolitan cities like Cork.

It is ludicrous to think that those who will complete their leaving cert in June have yet to be examined orally in the language that they started learning twelve years ago. Its hair-tearing-ly frustrating for those who'd like to speak the native tongue that such a Neolithic mindset still exists in promoting the language's everyday use.

For all of you who would like to revive and practice the language outside an academic environment and the glare of fáinne wielding gaeilgóirs, Club Daon-Phoblacht opens it's doors in two weeks time at The Roundy on Castle Street. Regardless of level everyone is welcome to get down to the funk and soulful sounds of DJ Cáca Milis.

On: 13ú Feabhra 2008
Lamp: www.peoplesrepublicofcork.com/gaeilge

Bantry House: get hammered without people looking for burgers

West Cork Chamber Music Festival
Keeping your Cork snout firmly in the air you might want to skirt along to the West Cork Chamber Music Festival. "Chamber" is normally a word ordinary shams like us associate with the intricacies of a sooped up cinquecento's engine or somewhere Harry Potter might find himself in tears but this is a secret code word for classical music.

The monkey suit or dress from your grads won't be out of place here with all the county's musical connoisseurs as they descend on Bantry but don't expect "the Ball 'n' Chain in E major" or bowling and quasar after the gig. And if you thought Tupac was old-skool he ain't got nuthin' on homeboys Mozart and Beethoven.

You'll also have to truncate your alcohol intake to narrow glasses of champers - although there's nothing stopping you slipping a sneaky naggin into the old doll's handbag besides etiquette and the risk of being the first person ever for to get kicked out of a classical music event for bushing.

On: Saturday June 28th - July 6th
Lamp: www.westcorkmusic.ie

Skibbereen: the alternative to Abrakebabra

A Taste of West Cork Food Festival
If the appeal of double cheese burgers and mushy peas just don't do it for you anymore, you might fancy heading down to Skibbereen in September to get your teeth into something slightly more appealing.

With so many cookery programmes on TV, healthy eating all the rage and organic veg the staple of any food snob's diet, the pressure is on to impress friends and family with your own speciality.

Knowing the exact setting on the microwave to get the M&S Shepard's Pie "just right" isn't enough so let the culinary wizards of Cork teach you a thing or two about bringing your body as close as possible to contracting gout - the disease of the well healed who eat too much rich food.

Visit the organic markets with stacks of homemade soups, salads and cakes and find out why you should spend loads on stuff that is better for you than the gank in the supermarket.

On: September 2008
Lamp: www.skibbereen.ie/taste-of-west-cork.htm

Lanzaroteee or Santa Ponzaaah?

Santa Ponza Gone Bust
Through sheets of torrential rain and gales blowing up the main streets of Cork's towns and city, Corkonians can be seen hauling piles of thick glossy holiday brochures into the abyss. Although some of the prices might give you a 'whitey' the brochures are just handy for planting ideas in people's heads.

If the old doll insists that the four grand overdraft, unpaid gas bills and the loan for the sixty inch plasma (now taking up 25% of the space of your living room since Christmas), is reason enough to stay clear of Santa Ponza for another year then the suggestion of a cheap holiday in a second world country might swing the vote in your favour.

These days it's hard to impress well travelled friends without having journeyed at least 8 hours in a plane to somewhere with a bit of risk. Ryanair is only for weekends of debauchery in random European cities.

These days for your "main holiday" it's all about places like Peru, India, Cambodia and Donegal apparently. These are now considered exotic destinations where you can see strange indigenous culture and hear people speak weird languages.