Global Jihad reaches Cork

20th Feb 2007

Global Jihad Reaches Cork
Glenn Field

A worrying development in global terrorism has taken place in the unlikely location of The Oval bar on South Main Street. A disturbing message has been left by Irish jihadis on the back of the toilet door in one of the city's best known watering holes located a few yards from the famous Beamish brewery established around 12 BC.

The chilling message reads "Tiocfaidh Allah - jihad coming to a jacks near you" and has struck fear into even the most legless of Cork's gatters.

"You'd be afraid next to take a slash nowadays", said one punter who refused to give his name whilst still pulling up his fly, "next thing we'll have metal detectors and all-lah. I'm going to get an aftershock now..g'luck".

It wouldn't be the first toilet on South Main street to see the start of a war however. The long maligned men's jacks in Sir Henrys saw many battles take place in its 30 year perfumed history including the Ballyphehane Vs Togher Intifada of 1991. The club was eventually suppressed by anti-terror apartment developers in 2002.

Unfortunately to date, the best Oval punters have come to addressing the fear of a suicide bomber in their favourite watering hole has been to write an Abraham Lincoln quote nearby.

In the hope of inspiring the terrorists one, possibly UCC PHd, student has drunkenly attempted to remember the quote which tails off in accuracy towards the end possibly because some angry punter was banging the door on the other side hopping up and down trying to contain a dump. Or maybe because he was locked.

Incidentally, the exact Lincoln quote from 1861 was "We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must no break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearthstone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

Certain to deter any global terrorist.