Guide for Returning Cork Exiles

9th Dec 2008

Guide For Returning Cork Exiles
Danny Elbow

One of the best, most daycintest, things about Christmas is having loads of Corkonians back from abroad with their exotic tales from afar, fancy clothes, snazzy haircuts and of course big unmistakable Cork heads up on 'em. But they have to thread carefully. Here's our guide for exiles returning to Cork this Christmas….

Póg Mo Stone

For most exiles: every Christmas starts here.

Forget those fancy airbridges when you come to Cork. They weren't needed at the airport because so many people wanted contact with Corkonian soil as soon as possible after they touched down.

It shouldn't matter whether the ground is caked in jet engine fuel or filth from aircraft tyres, get down on your knees as soon as you descend those steps and snog the ground like the first time you got lucky at a teenage disco in Grenagh. It shows you missed us.

Rebel Roar
When you've passed the waving smiling men at passport control, collected your bags and those sliding doors open into the arrivals hall raise your arms aloft, smile brightly and cheer loudly for all assembled to see how happy you are to be back on Leeside. Regardless of temperature you should be wearing a Cork emblazoned jersey, t-shirt or have a Cork flag tied around your head. Sorry folks but Munster ones don't count.

Spontaneous Banks
Turning left out of the airport gate and down the "Airport Road" towards town a magnificent view of your native city will emerge (as long as it's not raining). Your immediate involuntary response should be to break into the first verse of De Banks.

All those long snogs at Roco came in handy

When you reach the words "vision seemed bright" extend your arms outward to convey the bursting pride that is trying to get out. If you feel tears running down your cheeks, this is normal. After this, tell a joke that contrasts the stability of De Banks (the song) and the credit crunched banks to show you haven't lost your sense of humour. Begin your witticism with the phrase "C'mere I'll tell ye sometin'….".

Stout Yourself Up
If your closest and dearest have collected you from the airport then the first thing you should demand is to be brought to a city centre watering hole for a pint of Cork brewed stout (or a hot port if you need time to re-adjust). The snug in the Oval perhaps? Before lifting the creamy prize to your lips feel free to communicate with your chosen God in a sort of Grace-before-meals fashion. Remember that in Cork, God is never far away - in fact he's probably around the corner having one Himself.

Dagnenham Syndrome
Those returning from English speaking countries for Christmas must be very careful not to succumb to Dagenham Syndrome (named after Corkonians who worked at the Ford plant in the UK who returned home with English accents and silly clothes thinking it would impress locals).

Friends and family may accuse you of "losing the run of yourself" if they find that you're now talking like "some feen off the telly".

Although you might not notice that you have picked up a new (and obviously incorrect and silly) accent you should either record yourself speaking for self-examination or get old tapes of Billa Connell sent to you several weeks in advance of your triumphant return to touch up your sing-song Cork lilt.

The Elysian: be careful what you say.

Be up to date on the hurling debacle
Your Corkonian friends will be extremely offended if it becomes apparent that you have not been keeping up to date with events in Cork. For the love of God, brief yourself on Cork County Board Saga Mark 26, and be up to date on the who-called-who-what in the latest media-slagging war. Be sure also, to have the right opinion and not the wrong one.

It will be assumed by friends, wherever you live, that you have had the Evening Echo mailed to you several times a week and that you spend a large portion of your working day and weekends pouring over internet forums to get the latest news, results and scandal from the Rebel County. This will help you avoid awkward silences among, say, your St. Vincent's friends when, browsing the sports section, you utter something outrageously inappropriate like "what are the 'Barrs fellas talking about playing senior football next year for?".


Compliment Showers
A side-effect of Dagenham Syndrome is that you might be tempted to compare where you now live to Cork in a light that isn't entirely in favour of Leeside. When you witness the majesty of the Elysian Towers coming in the South Link, do not mention any taller, better, more beautiful building that you have seen near to where you now live.

Even though the jury is very much out on the Elysian, we don't need any Fancy Dan who has been away while it was being built to tell us what to think.

Back "Home"
Referring to where you now live abroad as "home" may be extremely offensive to Corkonians. This subtle abandonment of your true identity will not be met favourably and the creamy pint of stout that has just been presented to you in good faith may end up being poured over your head and replaced with an embarrassingly bright alcopop.

You are from Cork and your time abroad, regardless of how long, is to be considered a temporary necessity. In all fairness like, why would any of the Chosen Ones leave the Promised Land? You will be expected to set out your long term career plans which must include a strategy that revolves around permanent repatriation.

Have a great trip home. Enjoy Cork responsibly.