Headline Predictions for 2008

2nd Jan 2008

PROC's Headline Predictions for 2008
Danny Elbow

Clare 4-19 Cork 0-0
On the Cois na Laoi show on Radio na Gaeltachta recently a Cork County Board official discussing the controversy over the decision not to allow team managers to choose their own selectors, hinted that if Cork's senior football and hurling panel refuse to play then they might have to look at nominating other players for the squads.

With the tight nit consensus among players at local level the chances of fringe players stepping up to replace All Stars is slim. Desperate to field a team in the championship for fear of, among other things losing sponsorship deals, the county board may be forced to tour the pubs of Thurles a few hours before the Munster semi-final thrown-in desperately trying to get a team together.

While the opposition will burst on to the field, Cork's new "stars" will stroll out sculling back pints of cider and finishing fags before coughing their way on to the field. RTE's commentators will revel in the coverage, as Cork fall victim to a cricket score and Dr. Con has to use burgers and mushy peas to revive injured players.

"…yes Marty, it was a well taken score - the Cork goalkeeper had no chance…he's been asleep since half time."

Corkman Solves Global Warming
We don't want to get "up" ourselves here but the world is facing a problem and it needs Cork help. There's been such a furore that some Cork scientist will eventually get sick of being bombarded by media reports and "send in" the solution.

Some evening in late June a Cork scientist, peering over his newspaper will sigh as his wife flicks to yet another ominous news report about the panic to solve the rapidly over heating earth.

Neatly folding his Evening Echo and placing it alongside his cup of Barry's on the coffee table he will take out his doodling notebook, a four coloured pen and his trusty periodic tables.

A few scribbles later, and a fax is on its way to the BBC with an outline of an inexpensive chemical plant that will suck all the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and replace it with oxygen.

"Oh darling look they've found a solution to global warming", chirps his young wife as she flicks over to see what's in Ann Doyle's daily wardrobe.

"Yeah…they were gettin' on me nerves like", as he sips from his tea and returns to Noel Spillane's thoughts on how AC Milan can avoid a thrashing at Turner's Cross.

Blarney Street to Get Traffic Helicopter
If you're finding it tough talking to vaguely familiar male relations this Christmas, the county's roads are always a good bet for conversation. Whining about the state of the place has never been so much fun especially since Cork people living on narrow streets insist on buying obnoxiously large SUVs.

Attempting to navigate your way up our narrow inner-city streets like Barracka and Blarney Street is comparable to the computer game tetris. The amount of reversing and engine revving required to allow traffic to pass, especially on Blarney Street has created such emissions that an ozone hole directly above the famous street is identifiable from special satellite photos.

This could do the job. Mohammed said its as good as new and rarely breaks down.

With Cork's only green TD, Dan Boyle, voted out of office and confined to the ramblings of the Seanad, Cork's impact on global warming is set to rise but so is the traffic equivalent of check-mate on the street as more supersized vehicles insist on traversing the narrow historic thoroughfare that is still two-way.

At certain points where other slender but busy roads from Gurranabraher and Sunday's Well converge on to the street there have been an increasing number of apparently unsolvable vehicle gridlocks where all drivers involved end up stationary and looking at each other blankly, shrugging their shoulders.

We foresee a helicopter being stationed at Collins Barracks to regularly intervene in these traffic checkmates, with on-board rubix cube experts issuing orders to drivers from a height on how to release themselves from the gridlock.

Cork to get Midleton Rail Link
You've got to hand it to them, Fianna Fáil have a laterally thinking PR machine. Any Corkonian returning from abroad would be expecting a headline announcing a temporary closure on the Cork-Midleton line to address wear-and-tear of the track, such were the stories of previous Christmases from friends and family about the new suburban railway.

Fair play to the spin doctors because it seems repeating the same old mantra time and time again seems to work - at the moment it seems it might go ahead this year but local FF heads will be hoping they can get another election out of it. If it was a headline last year there's no reason it can't one again this year.