Here Comes the Queen

28th Jul 2010

Perhaps the English media in their attempts to out do each other in condemnation of the nation's footballers has prompted the Queen to try to get away a bit more. She's planning a trip to Ireland, the first visit of a British Monarch since independence and who could blame her while our dear next door neighbours decide which football manager's career is next for the guillotine.

After the usual vocal crossfire from the we-should-be-mature-as-a-nation liberals and the no-Ulster-no-visit Republicans the rest of the country will hardly raise an eyebrow to the news.

Most people in the Irish Republic find the Royal family a little peculiar: a bunch of posh lads descended from a delicate looking rich granny with a lot of land worshipped by millions because they happened to emerge from a particular line of wombs. A bit like people from Rochestown but with bodyguards and less fake tan.

Despite the boisterous hysteria from Republicans and unpleasant memories of the 2006 O'Connell Street riot during the Love Ulster parade, anti-monarchists might take an interest in the philosophical view of one of their own when it comes to suggestions of a weekend in Hibernia for the Royals.

When Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams was once asked about his opinion on a mooted visit of herself to Norn Iron he replied "Mrs. Windsor is welcome to come and go as she pleases'.

If there's a feeling that the other 25 counties are turning their noses up at the idea then we should definitely invite Bean Uí Windsúr to Leeside. She'd be welcome to view the land where her country's troops were finally defeated - a poignant reminder that counter-insurgencies don't really work as her grandson who served in Afghanistan will testify.

That aside if the Dubs are kicking up a fuss then the Queen should be given a whirlwind tour of the Rebel County sampling the delights of Cork that are sure to make headlines around the world.

No trip could be complete without a puck around and it's never too late in life to pick up a stick (as Seán Óg Ó hAilpín will confirm*) and anyone who suggests it's a man's game obviously hasn't noticed the complete dominance of the Rebelettes.

Cork's camogie stars are on track for a three-in-a-row this year so the girls would relish teaching her nibs a few simple skills to bring back home. Who wouldn't relish the image of the Queen in a mycro helmet knocking a sliothar back and forth to her servants on the lawns of Buckingham Palace while confused tourists look on?

Her majesty would undeniably enjoy a tour of the second biggest harbour in the world (the biggest is still within the remit of the Commonwealth down under). She can marvel at the colourful beauty of Cobh from the environs of the Spit Bank and when she inevitably remarks, as most do, that she would love one day to have a house there, we can hand her some brochures under the condition that she doesn't try to rename the town after herself again.

The Royal Cork Yacht Club, the oldest in the world (sailing dinosaurs have allegedly been discovered there under the floor of the bar), would no doubt put on a welcome if she showed up for an evening of shouting on the water and a few bevies in the club house afterwards.

RCYC: as royal as Cork gets

A former commodore of the club once remarked that RCYC was "as Royal as the Royal Showband" (a notoriously boisterous group of musicians from Waterford) but Her Majesty would certainly be more at home among Cork's lower harbour boaties than say a Lee Rowing Club disco. That said, her advisors might want to check if Cork Week is on. Space is so tight at the marina that she may have to sip Barry's and wave from the Currabinny side to inebriated sailors across the way.

We heard the Queen is fond of an aul song and if Corkonians sang God Save the Queen at Croke Park when the rugby moved in then surely the Queen would sing de Banks with us in Pairc Úi Chaoimh. T'would only be fair.

The words are easy and watching the lads demolish some Munster hurling or football rival before her eyes would provide further inspiration. The obligatory post-match Beamish 'n' taytos in one of Blackrock's watering holes would suit her too as she gets a second chance to watch the game on TV and have it explained in excruciating detail by those around her.

A trip to Cork would be good for the Queen's image. Socialising among the elite has always been a way of showing her subjects who is boss and being among Corkonians would help re-establish that elitist link.

Furthermore, in a time of economic prudence why should the British tax payer waste money flying her to Dublin for predictable ceremonial boredom when there are so many exciting places to make her feel awkwardly happy here in Cork.

* This is part of our campaign to pretend that Cork hurlers are over the hill. The suggestion earlier in the year by some in the media (not us!) seemed to drive them bananas against Tipp so it should work again against the Deise.