Hidden Benefits of Freedom of the City

12th May 2011

Seán Óg Ó hAilpín is to be granted the Freedom of the City on May 27^th. Along with the pomp and ceremony at the Lorda’s office, being awarded spare keys to Fitzgerald’s Park, your own seat at Pairc Úi Rinn and having a duck in the Lough named after you Seán Óg needs to know a bit more about some of the ‘extra benefits’ of being a free man of Ireland’s greatest city….

Cha and Miah
Your maternal and paternal grandparents are officially replaced by the two Cork legends Cha and Miah. You are now part of the inner-most circle of pure double-distilled Corkonians whose blood is 50% Beamish stout. Jehovah Witnesses can find this difficult at it involves secret blood transfusions between you and the two lads.

If Seán Óg asks you to wear a silly hat on your head you better comply

Texts from Roy Keane
As a free man or woman of this city you will automatically receive a text when The Boy, a freeman himself, is back in town. “Story kid. Roy here. Wanna meet up for a chat about how great Cork is?”.  When you meet just make sure you keep your phone on silent. 

Automatic Shotgun
You always ride ‘shotgun’ even if someone else calls it first.

Free chips
Proper traditional Cork chippers like Lennox’s, Dino’s and KC’s in Douglas will issue you with free chips any time you want them and you won’t need to worry about the queue as everyone will get out of your way as a matter of courtesy.

The Lord Mayor has recently added a special section to the acceptance form for Freedom of the City recipients that has tick boxes for your salt and vinegar preferences. All local chippers are sent these instructions in case you call in.

Even if its closed Seán Óg, as a free man of Cork, will be able to dial 999 and ask for any chipper to be opened immediately

Or Forever Hold Your Peace
If Seán Óg attends any wedding ceremony the registrar or priest who would usually ask if anyone objects to the marriage must instead ask the Na Piarsaigh man directly who will give a thumbs up or thumbs down like a Roman emperor deciding the fate of a defeated gladiator. His decision is final.

Have a bash at Rory Gallagher’s guitars
There was nowhere the world’s greatest guitarist felt more ‘free’ than cranking out a lengthy blues solo. Now you can experience the same freedom – just walk into the city library with your certificate from ‘the Lorda’ and demand access to the glass cabinet that holds Rory’s beloved Stratocaster. Strum away to beat the band.  
 

Desperate Housewives
There’s an old story that a Cork man once arrived home early from work to hear his wife making love to someone else upstairs. He despairingly crept upstairs, peered into the bedroom and discovered he had been substituted for a highly respected multiple All-Ireland winner from Cork.

Quickly relieved of his worry he tip toed back downstairs, put on the kettle and waited calmly for the legend to ‘close out the game’ hoping he’d at least get an autograph in exchange for ‘tae’.

This respectful reaction is obligatory if you find a free man or woman of Cork city upstairs with your loved one. Check the law.

Seán Óg can also attend Free Masons meetings. Due to a decline in numbers the Tuckey Street based outfit are currently advertising their new phone number on Pana. Obviously dial 021 before the 666 if you're outside the city.

Calling The Ucks
As an ordinary Corkonian you are entitled to ‘call the ucks’ (or ‘ass’) of any soft drink can, pint or meal being consumed by a friend or relation younger than you in the city. The ucks is considered to be the final 10% of any edible product. This increases to 50% upon gaining freedom of the city.

If you are in a restaurant and your order is taking some time but you’re weak with the hunger just lean over and request half of a nearby customer’s soup or grab a few shellfish from their prawn cocktail.

Sweating Tanora
This mysterious condition which converts salty sweat to sweet Tanora has been happily reported by several recipients of the Freedom of the City award and is dead handy when staggering through hot desserts or when lost at sea in a life raft desperate for a drink.

Grooving statues
While your friends might boast about heading into town on a Saturday to get measured up for a posh suit you can boisterously claim that you’re busy making your way in too to get sized up for a bronze statue. Bate that!

The boy Keane grabs de paper in Sydney: Specially delivered to Australia by the Echo boys 21st airborne division

Getting De Paper delivered to you no matter where you are
An actual real life echo boy will, by whatever means necessary, deliver the Echo to you whether you’re molesting penguins with Charlie Bird in Antarctica, playing long slogs in the Fijian mountains or holed up in some dive above in Dublin afraid to leave in case you get shot.