How to Beat KK in 2009

17th Sep 2008

How to Beat Kilkenny in '09
Alan Ger

Kilkenny are talking about a five-in-a-row and other counties seem to be helpless to do anything about it. With their under-21s beating Tipp last Sunday, the Cats have bagged 'the

Despite the filth from this Tipp beour Cork won the Camogie.

clean sweep' with additional wins in the All Ireland senior, intermediate and minor. At least Cork's super camogie players made sure the Cats didn't win every game with a stick as they beat Galway in their final giving us a ray of hope for 2009.

Other counties look helpless therefore it's up to Cork to challenge Kilkenny in 2009. So besides hiring cold blooded assassins what can we do to kill the Cats? Here are some of our suggestions:

Involuntary Emmigation
Setanta Ó hAilpín was pilfered by Aussie Rules in 2003, just after the one point defeat to Kilkenny in the All-Ireland final. The towering corner forward had been a goal machine for Cork that year but the lure of the full-time professional game was too much for the Na Piarsigh's man.

Could all this have been a ploy by some well connected exiled Kilkenny business men in Melbourne to strip Cork of a legend in the making?

Whether it's Aussie rules down under or ice hockey across the Atlantic, Cork needs to source some shady business connections to tempt the likes of young Cha Fitzpatrick and Tommy Walsh with Godfather-style 'offers they can't refuse' at overseas sporting establishments.

Poor Ó hAilpín cant even get away from those Kilkenny pricks down under...

Ben O'Connor Clones
By far Cork's most consistent player of 2008, the Newtownshandrum super-cyborg could have his genes dispatched to some cooperative batch of genetic engineers to have multiple clones created to fill every role in the Cork team.

We're not sure how the North Cork lads would feel about the morality of combining a bit of Donal Óg's Cloyne passion into the cloned hurlers' gene pool too but these new players would play a game so intense that they would have to be chained to the walls of Pairc Úi Chaoimh all year round and only released for championship games on an unsuspecting opposition such would be their frightening e
nergy.

Cork team to take on Kilkenny in 09

Stick Sin Bin
Although it's hard to rival Kerry for filthy play, Kilkenny are not afraid to play the game to the limits of it's rules and beyond as was shown by the huge number of frees Waterford got in the opening 25 minutes of the All Ireland final.

For black book offences we propose that instead of a player being sent to a rugby style sin bin or simply being allowed to continue to purvey their unruly trade, that he instead has only his hurley sidelined. Or perhaps a series of large cumbersome weights could be attached to the bas of his hurley in a sort of handicap system for fifteen minutes at a time.

Referees would be less fearful of disciplining players thus allowing cleaner teams like Cork with superior athletes to use their running game instead of being hauled to the ground every time they rev up.

Timmy, look into the eyes not around the eyes...

Hypnosis and Phone Taps
New legislation needs to be concocted by Cork's TDs straight away to allow the bugging of the home's of hurling greats. This will allow us more information on the bizarre motivational techniques used by Cody.

We suspect that Kilkenny have drafted in some sort of celebrity hypnotist to arrange a sufficiently psychotic state of mind in his players in which to instil the intensity to which they play.

Maybe Cork's first training session of the new season needs to start in a warm room with Paul McKenna and not out in the icy rain running around bollards up in the Glen!

Kerry hurler Wayne Kerr in action against Mayo Camogie star Rachel De Scrimination

Gaelic Game. Singular.
The GAA are in perpetual strife over the state of football in hurling counties and hurling in football counties. Arrogant signs in places like Dingle and Ballinskelligs unashamedly proclaim pitches as Páirc Peile (football pitch) on signs outside with no reference to the other half of Gaelic sporting culture.

The notion of a Kilkenny football team might seem like a light hearted joke but the county's failure to make even a token effort to maintain that aspect of gaelic culture is a disgrace.

Even nearby Carlow make the effort with both codes (winning the Christy Ring Cup last week) and they have only half the population of their feline neighbours so the argument that the Cats don't have enough people to maintain a football squad falls flat on its face so Kilkenny and Kerry fans will be glad to hear we are proposing something much more interesting than forcing them to play their neglected code.

How about eliminating this 'small ball versus big ball' debate altogether and combining the two championships into one with a game that has hurling in one half and football in the other? This would determine the county that has dedicated themselves best to the requests for duality set down by the GAA founders. Let's see Henry Shefflin take on Graham Canty or what the 'magical' Gooch Cooper can do with a sliothar and a face full of Shane O'Neill.

Surely Frank Murphy can pull this one off at the next congress. And of course there's no guessing what county would dominate every All Ireland final…