How to Behave at Roy Talk

11th May 2012

If you’re intending to go to the Rockmount fundraiser this Saturday night in Silver Springs with Roy Keane you’ll need to be on your best behaviour for one of our most prized citizens. As the closest thing the county has to royalty please follow our simple guide to make sure Keane gets the regal treatment he deserves in his home city.

Turn off your phone
Seriously, none of us like an important speech or performance to be interrupted by a loud piercing ringtone and none more than The Boy.

Remember Keane’s press conference soon after Thierry Henry did a bit of a dicky-dodge with his hand to put France through to World Cup 2010? That journalist whose phone went off twice hasn’t yet turned his phone off silent since Keane gave him a much-needed dressing down. 

In fact we would recommend turning your phone off before you even set off for the event just in case you bump into Roy in the hotel car park and your phone goes off. Or maybe just leave it at home altogether.

Choose Your Sandwiches Wisely
Many people will get to the event centre early to try to get a good spot close to the front. Don’t rule out the fact that some people are possibly even up there already queuing with sleeping bags, flasks of tea and sandwiches right now. If you are taking a munch with you then for God’s sake don’t mortify the county by having a pretentious sandwich filling that would offend Roy - like prawns. He’d probably even smell it off your breathe so don’t you dare.

DANGER: even a Dunnes brown sliced pan won't hide your prawns from Roy

Doctor Who?
Many people collapse with excitement when they meet their idol. Those who meet footballing legend, Corkman and recipient of an honorary doctorate of law are no different. If someone near you gets a whitey and falls over remember not to act the langer when someone asks if there’s a doctor in the room by pointing at The Boy and guffawing.  

Roy For England?
There’s a bit of Roy-mania going on at the moment in the English media because of the appointment of a new England manager with Roy related headlines all over the shop. 

If you haven’t been paying much attention to the soccer pages of ‘de paper’ because of all the league final action in the GAA you might want to note that the new gaffer is a Mr. Roy Hodgson, not Dr. Keane so don’t make a complete langball out of yourself by asking The Boy about “his chances against France in the Ukraine”. You’ll be laughed out the door and shamed so badly that you’ll have to consider moving to another country with the slagging.

Car Park Kick Abouts
Don’t bring a ball and have a casual kick around in the car park beforehand. It would be like hot needles in the eyes for Roy Keane to see anyone having to train on a dangerous tarmac surface as he and his teammates did in Saipan in 2002. People are paying good money to see Keano so don’t put him in bad form from the get go.

Roy got sent home by Mick

The Way We See It
Hard copies of what we like to call ‘The Teachings of Roy Keane’ (aka The Way I See It) are available in the form of his biography and should be deemed the status of Holy Book in all Cork households. It would be wise and respectful to read over it before attempting to even formulate a question to ask him so he doesn’t have to repeat himself or go over old ground.

If you’re going along and haven’t read his tome then you’d better get the finger out quickly and start speed reading.

We are lobbying Cork hotels to replace bedroom Christian bibles with the Cork bible

Trigger Finger
Be sensitive. Roy’s labrador ‘Triggs’ became a household name when he defiantly continued to walk her in spite of the media circus hounding him after he was sent home from Saipan The Boy was said to be inconsolable when burying his loyal friend in 2010. Don’t mention her. End of.

Woof

The FAI and Your Man
All attendees of the event should take it as a cast iron fact that the FAI are a shambles. With its reputation destroyed by both straight talking Keane and the subsequent Genesis Report into their tomfoolery at the last World Cup the FAI are still a topic that can generate angry puffs of smoke from Roy’s ears.

Ireland: if you're from Cork, why bother?

Chief executive John Delaney who was in charge during Saipangate in 2002 now resorts to buying hoards of Irish fans booze on away trips to win favour with them while League of Ireland clubs and players are under strict instructions not to criticise the association. How very sad.

The Six Yard Box
If Roy asks you whether a defender should let the ball bounce in the six yard box from a free just inside the half way line you sure as hell better know the answer. It’s a pity Paul McShane didn’t.

He Didn’t Quit
It’s one thing to embarrass yourself in front of your fellow Corkmen by forgetting about the conspiracy pedalled by the Dublin media after Saipan but for the love of God don’t have a memory lapse in the cauldron of Roy worship on Saturday night.

Always remember that Roy was SENT HOME by manager Mick McCarthy and didn’t actually walk out on his country as some still allege. This is an indisputable fact that even the recently sacked Wolves manager MCarthy readily admits.



Despite standing up for what he believed was best for his country, Dubliners and others turned viciously on Roy when he returned under manager Brian Kerr by disgracefully booing the legend when he took to the field. As if we needed more evidence, Corkonians suspicions about non-Corkonians were again confirmed.

Stand up and applaud this man until your hands fall off (or until he tells you to stop at which point you do so immediately).