Hugging Guide for Corkmen

27th Nov 2012

The great advances of the 21^st century have brought many things to Cork: mobile phones, digital television and better yokes but now men are expected to be emotionally sensitive and affectionate, not just with women, but with each other too. Some of us are still learning though especially when you try to define the rules when it comes to hugs: 

The Friend’s New Girlfriend Hug
You’ve just finished a nice evening out with herself, himself and his new belle. It went well except for the bit when she talked about having an interest in moving to Dublin (just assume your buddy hasn’t got around to brain washing her about Cork yet).

Wrapping your arms around her is going a bit far now boy, calm down.

Now you’re outside the bar going your separate ways. Your best bud and your old doll exchange a light kiss on the cheek and a short hug - grand. You shake the buddy’s hand and both beours then have one of those “half hugs” – an affectionate inter-arm touchy exchange that avoids hugging but something only old dolls can get away with.

So are you and your one doing a hug?  

That’s the big question and you’ve got about half a second to make up your mind. Is it too early for a full hug? And if your old doll has already given your buddy one then if you don’t do it then she might take offence. Whatever you do, don’t stick out the paw and look for a handshake: morto.  

Dads’ Emigration Hug
Irish fathers don’t really do hugs. Sincere and firm handshakes are more their thing - especially with their sons. The only time this may change is at the airport when their offspring are heading off to live in a credible country with their own economic sovereignty.

These two lads have made a balls of this hug. A handshake and a back-pat would have done the job. Now they can never look each other in the eye again

He has seen it on telly and has been nervous about it for a week but drastic measures call for drastic responses and although the execution of the hug is awkward and very brief it is overwhelmingly sincere.

The GAA player hug
When professional soccer players score a goal they make a real show. You have fellas not just hugging but kissing and lying on top of each other and all sorts of intimate. You may have noticed a difference in the GAA where hugging among players after a big score is almost non-existent.

Hands touching the face is a bit over intimate if you ask us. Next thing they'll be talking about their emotions.

When Colm O’Neill and Donnacha O’Connor hit the net in the football the most affection any of them will show is a low five to a teammate – and only if another Cork player happens to be crossing their route back up field at the time.

To be honest even doing a high five might be enough motivation fodder for the opposition to drive on and win. It’s the type of thing that if photographed could appear on your rival’s dressing room wall:

‘Look at the arrogance of these Cork fellas hugging each other after scoring a goal! They must think they’re professional soccer players or something…I tellya we’ll show ‘em on Sunday’.

The All-Ireland Champions Hug
When Cork win the hurling or football all bets are off for the first thirty seconds after the final whistle. This will be a rare moment in many men’s lives as they let the pent up frustration of a twenty-year silverware drought explode in a flurry of hugs with other shy conservative males with red faces and bad personal hygiene. Two minutes later it’s back to awkward Irishman mode again but what a thirty seconds!

You're allowed to hug for 2 seconds if you win a match, 4 seconds for a  provincial title and 4.5 seconds if you win an All-Ireland medal.

The Office Party Hug
We don’t really talk about this in Cork too much but if your tall and a not-so-tall female work colleague at a Christmas party really “has them out” this can be a tricky one as she trots towards as she arrives saying “Hiiii! Happy Crissmuss!” with you trying not to look at the most obvious thing in the room and everyone else checking to see if you are.

The most important thing is maintaining hypnotic like eye contact at all times. As the hug arrives do not let your retinas budge and move your chest back so that “they” make minimal contact. As the hug finishes withdraw and focus entirely on her hair – complimenting it as a distraction. Then move away carefully with your eyes leading you all the while taking deep breaths. See, it’s easy.

Hugging some bird you met just once can be considered a bit too forward. She doesn't look overly impressed does she?

The House Music Hug
Although the famous nightclub, Sir Henry’s, doors are now long closed it is in this dark space that many Cork males and scobes first saw hugging between adults for non-sexual purposes. Maybe it’s the beat, maybe it’s the bass, maybe it’s the often cheesy but uplifting repetitive lyrics like the old classic “love has got me high” but whatever it is it makes house music fans want to hug each other.

If your teammate scores a crucial goal simply jog back to your marker and await the next kick out. None of this hugging lark or the CCCC will be in touch.

This can be quite uncomfortable if the hug is from a scobe who has had his top off for an hour with sweat pouring down his back across a large skull and crossbones tattoo and a gurning jaw that looks like a small hardworking mechanical digger. It’s manky but just thank God that your this close to a very dangerous man yet you’re getting hugged and not stabbed.

The EMO Hug
Arguably the most dramatic hug you’ll see in Cork city and mainly performed in the Paul Street and Winthrop Street area with accompanying OMG squealing. Emos (short for ‘emotionals’) are teenagers who spend a lot of time talking about their feelings. After a night of pressing the Facebook ‘like’ button there can be a lot of fraught emotional issues so hugs can last anything up to ten seconds – this hug is best performed with a frown, a deep breath and ‘sad puppy eyes’ even though you are a 6ft 4 inches and 15 stone male.